The 101 Dumbest Moments In Business 2003 EDITION
(Business 2.0)
By Mark Athitakis
April 1, 2003

(Business 2.0) – GRAND PRIZE WINNER, DUMBEST MOMENT OF 2002

1| Whiffed pitch No. 1: naked grannies.

Six months after Midas hires marketing firm Cliff Freeman & Partners, lauding its “strategic insight into our business,” that insight shows itself in the form of a TV ad featuring an elderly woman in a Midas shop. Told of the company’s lifetime guarantee, the woman rips open her blouse and asks, “So what can you do with these?” Strategically and insightfully, the ad is quickly pulled.

2| Law-sooooooooooot!

Wylie Gustafson, better known as the yodeler featured in Yahoo ads, sues the company for $5 million, saying he was paid only for limited use. Yahoo settles for an undisclosed sum.

3| What the hell. It worked with that Chaucer term paper they “wrote” in college.

After hyping its new disposable cell phone as “innovative” and “technologically advanced,” Hop-On sends a sample to a San Francisco Chronicle reporter, who cracks open the casing to uncover the phone’s “revolutionary” secret: Nokia parts. The company explains that it had run into glitches and had missed its deadline.

4| As for what’s in it, we’re guessing Nokia parts.

In an attempt to show that, no, really, they’re serious about this cloning thing, Clonaid sells the RMX 2010, a $9,220 contraption that … well, nobody’s quite sure what it does. To help clarify the matter, Clonaid lends one to a British science museum–under strict orders not to open it to find out what’s inside.

5| Celebrating the can-do spirit that continues to make American capitalism the envy of the world.

At a developers conference in September, Microsoft senior vice president Brian Valentine describes the state of the art in OS security: “Every operating system out there is about equal…. We all suck.”

6| Timmy can have his juice box when Timmy starts hitting his productivity targets.

Soon after a summer stock plunge, Chris Whittle, CEO of Edison Schools, suggests a unique solution to stanch his company’s bleeding: Have Edison students put in an hour of free work per day.

7| $23.4 billion, that’s a big number. Big numbers are good, right?

“We built a good company…with a bad balance sheet.” –Barclay Knapp, CEO of telecommunications firm NTL, shortly before filing for bankruptcy; the company’s debts totaled nearly $23.4 billion

8| Milton Friedman declined to comment.

In October, employees at a floundering car plant in Romania announce that they’ve arrived at a method to erase the company’s $20 million debt: Donate their sperm and give the proceeds to their employer. One report estimates that each employee would have to, er, donate to the cause 400 times. “[Management] told us to come up with a solution,” says a union spokesperson. “Now we’ve found one that even the best economists never thought of.”

9| Because nobody understands 12-year-old girls quite like a cattle rancher.

The National Cattlemen’s Beef Assn. launches www.cool-2b-real.com, a site designed to “steer” young girls away from vegetarianism. Featuring enlightening articles and insightful quizzes (“What type of beef do you most like to eat with your friends?”), the tweener-empowerment site also has recipes for snacks like Easy Beef Chili, Nacho Beef Dip, and Beef on Bamboo.

10 And there’s another €5,000 in it if you can somehow work in strudel.

In December, German real estate tycoon Rolf Eden, 72, announces that he is willing to pay 125,000 to any woman who can kill him through sexual intercourse, saying he plans to fly interested women to his home in Berlin for a trial run. “I don’t care why they make love to me,” Eden says, “as long as I have my fun.”

11| Whiffed pitch No. 2: swiping your competitor’s idea and completely screwing it up.

In an attempt to blunt Apple’s “Switch” campaign, Microsoft posts a page on its website, titled “Confessions of a Mac to PC Convert,” featuring a woman touting the Windows XP operating system. It’s soon revealed, however, that the woman pictured is a model and the touting comes from a freelance writer paid by Gates & Co.

WINNER, DUMBEST MOMENT, PUBLIC RELATIONS

12| That’s not to say we think you actually ate the seat.

“If you consume more than one seat, you will be charged for more than one seat.” –Southwest Airlines spokeswoman Beth Harbin, explaining the company’s policy requiring “persons of size” to pay double the normal fare

13| To which Will & Grace’s writing staff collectively enthuses: “Finally, something to work with besides butt size, alcoholism, and Cher!”

Out-of-work ex-Disney president Michael Ovitz, in what is presumably part of an attempt to rehabilitate his tarnished image, tells Vanity Fair that he has been the unwitting victim of a dastardly Hollywood “gay mafia” that’s out to “eliminate” him.

14| Michael Ovitz is interested in buying one. Just don’t tell him about the “Chinese health balls.”

Nokia subsidiary Vertu launches a line of high-end cell phones built out of precious metals like gold and platinum, with prices ranging from $4,900 to nearly $20,000. “This is an experiment in exquisite design and craftsmanship,” designer Frank Nuovo explains. “There’s a size-to-proportion balance that has a calming effect, like Chinese health balls.”

15, 16, 17 Nervous about that impending perp walk? Take these tips from the pros…

John Rigas, CEO, Adelphia Communications: Look sharp. Cultivate a man-of-the-people image. Have an assistant pick up something special at Goodwill.

Samuel Waksal, CEO, ImClone Systems: Be prepared. Clutch that all-important Fifth Amendment crib sheet firmly in your left hand, leaving the right hand free for the shackles of injustice.

David Myers, Controller, WorldCom: Find your happy place. Remember, in difficult moments like these, a little Xanax goes a long way.

18| Now the cat umbrella stand, that’s stupid.

“It’s not just some stupid dog umbrella stand. It’s a very unique, beautiful piece.”

–Wendy Valliere, interior designer to indicted Tyco CEO Dennis Kozlowski, describing the $15,000 antique that Kozlowski allegedly charged to the company

19| To: Dean Kamen. Re: Vibrating Segway?

Shortly after Mattel releases its Nimbus 2000 broom as part of its line of Harry Potter toys, the vibrating device begins getting the wrong sort of customer raves. “I’m 32 and enjoy riding the broom as much as my 7-year-old,” says one enthusiastic mother on Amazon. “My only complaint is, I wish the batteries didn’t run out quite so quickly.” Mattel stops making the toy, but denies that the unintended value-add is the reason. Says a spokesperson: “It’s just not a continued product in our line.”

20| That’s OK. We heard they all had a nasty stain on them, anyway.

In April, Abercrombie & Fitch starts selling a line of Asian-themed T-shirts with slogans like “Wong Brothers Laundry Service: Two Wongs Can Make It White.” After a firestorm of outraged complaints, A&F pulls the line. “We thought everyone would love this T-shirt,” A&F spokesman Hampton Carney says. “We are truly and deeply sorry.”

WINNER, DUMBEST MOMENT, IMPORT/EXPORT

21| And that’s nothing. Wait’ll you get to the part about the Nimbus 2000 broom.

In July, bookstores in China start selling Harry Potter and Leopard-Walk-Up-to-Dragon, a knockoff of the series. First paragraph: “Harry is wondering in his bath how long it will take to wash away the creamy cake from his face. To a grown-up, handsome young man, it is disgusting to have filthy dirt on his body. Lying in a luxurious bathtub and rubbing his face with his hands, he thinks about Dudley’s face, which is as fat as Aunt Petunia’s bottom.”

22| Buy a domain name, do nothing, watch the money roll in. Somebody wake up Henry Blodget–the dotcom model works!

After losing her six-figure TV-production job and racking up $20,000 in credit card debt on such survival essentials as lattes, CDs, and Prada pumps, Karyn Bosnak launches Savekaryn. com to solicit donations. Understandably, Bosnak is roundly mocked for her gall. Somewhat less understandably, people rush to donate more than $13,000 to Bosnak’s cause.

23| Seven letters hath November?

Thanks to the toil of 47 diligent editorial staffers, Business 2.0 puts out its “Novemer” issue.

24| Whiffed pitch No. 3: dead spokespeople.

To promote the release of its videogame Shadow Man: Second Coming, the London office of Acclaim Entertainment seeks volunteers who’ll allow the company to put ads on the headstones of deceased relatives. Explains an Acclaim spokesperson: “It’s a dark, gory type of game, and we thought it was appropriate to raise advertising to a new level.”

25| We may or may not make a joke here.

Hoping to keep his cash-hemorrhaging company afloat, Salon.com editor David Talbot announces a blockbuster story: Former Nixon attorney John Dean will “unmask the real Deep Throat” in an exclusive e-book for sale on the site. After the person Dean intended to name threatens a lawsuit, Salon backpedals; when the book finally appears, it limply suggests four people who may–or may not–have been the Watergate informant.

26| And the winner is…Matt Damon!

Despite the opportunity to gather clues in a seven-figure prize contest, TV viewers shun the Ben Affleck-produced Push, Nevada. ABC is forced to pull the plug after seven episodes, but not before giving $1 million to a savant who tuned in expecting to watch a different show.

27| Which also explains the Travolta oeuvre.

Reed Slatkin, one of three original investors in EarthLink, pleads guilty to 15 counts of fraud after a Ponzi scheme he orchestrated bilked investors out of $254 million. Though he faced a 105-year sentence, the plea allows Slatkin, a well-known Scientologist, to receive a shorter sentence due to the “psychological impact of his association with certain individuals and/or groups.”

28| Great moments in asset management.

In 2001, Wilco–a rock band known for its critically acclaimed but mediocre-selling records–submits its Yankee Hotel Foxtrot album to its label, AOL Time Warner subsidiary Reprise Records. Believing that the record will be a poor seller, Reprise passes on the album and drops the band. After nearly a year in industry limbo, Wilco finds a new label: AOL Time Warner subsidiary Nonesuch Records. After shrewdly making the same corporation pay for the same record twice, Wilco releases Yankee Hotel Foxtrot to critical acclaim and mediocre sales.

WINNER, LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT

29| OK, for the last time. James Earl Jones: much-admired actor. James Earl Ray: much-despised assassin. Got it?

To honor James Earl Jones at a Martin Luther King Day event, the city of Lauderhill, Fla., commissions Texas-based Merit Industries to create a plaque featuring stamps of famous black Americans. It reads, “Thank you James Earl Ray for keeping the dream alive.”

30| Whiffed pitch No. 4: sodomy humor.

In a spot titled “Captive Audience,” 7-Up pitchman Godfrey hands out cans of soda to prison inmates. After dropping a can, Godfrey remarks, “I’m not picking that up.” The ad is pulled after complaints from the group Stop Prison Rape, which, according to a 7-Up spokesperson, “had some very valid points about the ad being able to be interpreted a different way from what we intended.”

31| Damn. We nixed sodomy humor one item too soon.

Benjamin Curtis–better known as Steven in the “Dude, you’re gettin’ a Dell!” ads–is arrested on Manhattan’s Lower East Side for marijuana possession.

32, 33, 34

Panic in the heartland, part 1: The crisis begins. Outside a Wal-Mart in the small town of Geneseo, Ill., a 73-year-old woman buys a newspaper and suddenly finds herself trapped when the door of the news rack slips closed and catches her coat. Unable to wriggle out, she solicits a bystander to enter the Wal-Mart and ask for help. A Wal-Mart employee comes out to explain that she can’t assist, citing a policy against tampering with the news rack.

Panic in the heartland, part 2: The tense negotiation. After going back inside for a moment, the Wal-Mart employee comes out and tells the trapped woman that she’ll call the newspaper and have a representative come to release her. The woman suggests an alternative solution: Somebody could simply put two quarters in the machine and open the damn door. The Wal-Mart employee rejects this out of hand, explaining that the store can’t pay refunds for the news rack.

Panic in the heartland, part 3: The sweet taste of liberation. Eventually the employee relents and puts two quarters in the machine. Later the liberated woman’s daughter visits the store and gives her a $5 bill to be used strictly to finance future releases. A Wal-Mart corporate spokesperson apologizes for the incident, saying, “This is not how we do business.”

35| Also on the dais: Hugh Hefner on monogamy, Larry Ellison on modesty, and R. Kelly on baby-sitting.

In June, shortly after resigning from his post as CEO of Arthur Andersen, Joseph Berardino arrives in Palo Alto to deliver a lecture on … reforming the accounting industry. Berardino tells the San Jose Mercury News that he’s “in a unique position” to discuss the matter.

36| The pathetically lonely straight male ones, anyway.

“We look at this as something to heighten the hearts of Enron employees who are losing their jobs.” –Playboy spokeswoman Elizabeth Norris, commenting on the magazine’s “Women of Enron” issue

37| Largest in what sense?

“Can you imagine if we extended this offer to the guys of WorldCom, ImClone, AOL, and Martha Stewart’s stockbrokers? We’d have the largest issue in publishing history.” –Playgirl editor-in-chief Michele Zipp, on the magazine’s “Men of Enron” issue

38| Over by the fryer vats, a despondent Ronald weeps quietly.

Two months after launching the concept nationwide, McDonald’s discovers a tiny flaw in its “dollar menu” strategy: Charging folks a buck for a burger tends to lower profit margins. The fast-food company posts its first quarterly loss in 38 years as a public company, and CEO Jack Greenberg retires.

39| At least they didn’t sell it for 99 cents.

With Africa in the throes of its worst drought in decades, McDonald’s begins selling its beef-in-a-pita McAfrika sandwich in Norway. Protesters in Oslo counter by giving out samples of the emergency-ration crackers distributed throughout the continent. By way of appeasement, McDonald’s allows the protesters to place posters and fact sheets in its stores.

40| To which Nestle executives reply, “Hey, at least we didn’t name a sandwich after them.”

Nestle demands $6 million from the Ethiopian government for a meat-processing company that was nationalized more than 25 years earlier. Says a Nestle spokesperson: “We insist that there’s a principle at stake here.” Alas, protesters point out another principle: Ethiopia is suffering its worst drought in 20 years and has little cash to spare.

41| Thus revealing the grime and graffiti with which New Yorkers are clearly far more comfortable.

To promote its MSN 8 online service, Microsoft places hundreds of butterfly-logo decals on traffic signals and sidewalks throughout Manhattan. After the city threatens to fine Microsoft $50 per decal, the company apologizes and removes the stickers.

42| After all, defying gravity has always been key to its success.

In an attempt to expand his brand, Hooters of America chairman Robert H. Brooks purchases Pace Airlines in December and renames the small North Carolina company Hooters Air.

43| We hear Hooters Air is hiring.

“I didn’t take this job to preside over a bankruptcy,” proclaims Jack Creighton in 2001, shortly after being named CEO of United Airlines. Creighton is as good as his word: In September 2002, he retires to make room for Glenn Tilton, who three months later finds himself presiding over the biggest bankruptcy filing in aviation history.

WINNER, DUMBEST MOMENT, POLITICS

44| Next in line: Joseph Berardino.

SEC chairman Harvey Pitt taps William Webster to head the agency’s new accounting oversight board. Shortly before his Senate confirmation hearing, Webster humbly suggests that his past–specifically, his 2001 vote as a board member of U.S. Technologies to dismiss auditors who were questioning the company’s accounting–might pose a bit of a credibility problem. Pitt tells Webster not to worry. Two weeks later, Pitt is forced to resign under White House pressure.

45| Somewhere in heaven, Sam Walton kicks himself over a missed opportunity.

In August, Jim Koch, chairman of the company that makes Samuel Adams beer, appears on a New York City radio program to promote its “Sex for Sam” competition, which encourages couples to have intercourse in public places throughout the city. After one couple is arrested for, shall we say, a less-than-immaculate conception in Manhattan’s hallowed St. Patrick’s Cathedral, Koch issues an apology and the promotion is canceled.

46| To the Victor go the spoils, which in this case means raspberry-flavored edible undies.

Shortly after Victor Moseley opens a small Kentucky lingerie and novelty store called Victor’s Secret, he begins receiving cease-and-desist orders from Victoria’s Secret. Changing the name to Victor’s Little Secret doesn’t impress the lingerie megaretailer, which sues. After losing in a U.S. appeals court, Moseley takes his case to the Supreme Court. In March 2003 the justices rule that Moseley’s shop did not dilute the Victoria’s Secret trademark and send the case back to the lower court.

47| We were wondering why Florida’s mailmen seem so well-adjusted.

In an apparent move to depress them further, about 300 Florida residents with a history of depression open their mailboxes to find free samples of Eli Lilly’s new product, Prozac Weekly, along with a letter that enthuses, “We are very excited to be able to offer you a more convenient way to take your antidepressant medication.” A class-action suit filed in July accuses Eli Lilly, Walgreens, a local hospital, and five doctors of violating the patients’ right to privacy.

48-51 .Net: Now we get it.

“One question might be, and I’ll be as direct as I can be about this, what is .Net? Unlike Windows, where you could say it’s a product, it sits in one place, it’s got a nice little box. In some senses, it’s a very good question.” –Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer, at a Microsoft .Net briefing day in July

“We don’t have the user-centricity. Until we understand context, which is way beyond presence–presence is the most trivial notion of context.” –Microsoft chairman Bill Gates, on the same topic at the same briefing

“Our biggest problem was policing the use of .Net. Things like .Net Enterprise Servers. That’s a great example of where the confusion came from, because it looked like we were slapping .Net on a bunch of random products.” –Charles Fitzgerald, general manager of Microsoft’s platform strategy group, in August on ZDNet News

“It’s about connecting people to people, people to information, businesses to businesses, businesses to information, and so on. That is the benefit.” –Steve Ballmer, trying again, in an October interview with News.com

52| No? OK, how about this: I break into your house, steal your wife’s jewelry, fence it to a guy named Speed, and then give you 30 percent. Whattaya think?

Alex Tan, owner of Film88.com–a website that streams first-release movies online for $1 a film–is sued by nine Hollywood studios for stealing copyrighted materials. Tan claims to have offered to pay the studios 30 percent of his revenue as compensation.

53| Come enjoy a magical cruise where everybody gets a chance to play the role of the little-known eighth dwarf, Pukey.

After 288 passengers fall victim to the Norwalk virus on the Disney cruise ship Magic, the ship is given a thorough disinfection. It sets sail again a week later. This time, a mere 60 passengers fall ill.

54| Martha, Martha, Martha

55| Southwest charges extra for consuming a seat, but at least that won’t make you gag.

After eight straight quarters in the red, America West Airlines announces a plan to charge passengers for in-flight meal service. Price for delicious microwaved chicken Kiev: $10.

WINNER, DUMBEST MOMENT, ENTERTAINMENT

56| Further alienating the young male alcoholic demographic that can be so hard to reach.

After ABC announces plans for a new late-night talk show to be hosted by Jimmy Kimmel, co-creator of Comedy Central’s beer-and-breast-obsessed The Man Show, a producer sends a memo to staff writers explaining the new program’s philosophy: “[The Man Show] was targeted very specifically to young male alcoholics. This one will be much broader-based.” During the much-hyped post-Super Bowl debut of Jimmy Kimmel Live, a young audience member vomits after overindulging at the show’s open bar, which is shut down before the start of the following episode.

57| Why it sucks to be a student in Nevada.

A red-faced Harcourt Educational Measurement admits that it incorrectly graded Nevada’s high school proficiency test, failing more than 700 students who had actually passed. The company pays the state $425,000 in penalties.

58| Why it rocks to be a student in Minnesota.

A red-faced NCS Pearson admits it used the wrong answer key to grade an exam required for high school graduation in Minnesota. Eight thousand students are erroneously told they failed the exam. The company agrees to pay students as much as $7 million to settle the case.

WINNER, DUMBEST MOMENT, PUBLISHING

59| Circumference = [pi] ÷ (areola)2.

After Penthouse prints nude photos it claims are of tennis star Anna Kournikova, the woman actually photographed sues the magazine, which agrees to pulp 18,000 copies and pay an undisclosed sum. Explaining the gaffe, the photographer says he believed he was taking pictures of Kournikova, based on the size of the woman’s nipples.

60| Somewhere in Hollywood, a screenwriter opens his laptop and types four ominous words: Weekend at Bernie’s III.

Shortly after the death of baseball Hall of Famer Ted Williams, his son John Henry Williams sends the body to the Alcor Life Extension Foundation in Scottsdale, Ariz. The slugger’s body is to be hung upside down with up to three other corpses in a vat of liquid nitrogen until scientists invent a technology that can bring him back to life.

61| Why you always find the cheapest vendor for your business cards.

Shortly after changing the name of PwC Consulting to, well, the most depressing day of the workweek, Monday CEO Greg Brenneman explains that the rebranding is “a new identity on which to build our company’s future, and it will have meaning and stand for something.” IBM buys the firm less than four months later, prompting another name change.

62, 63, 64

How to destroy a venerable brand in three easy steps.

STEP 1: Make everybody look at your grossly infected wound. In the fall of 2000, magazine publisher Gruner & Jahr USA comes up with an ingenious way to revive McCall’s, its 125-year-old women’s magazine: Turn it into a Rosie O’Donnell-branded magazine titled Rosie. The July 2001 cover features the comedian wearing a hospital robe and a heavily bandaged hand, the result of a postoperative staph infection.

STEP 2: Use Stalin as your management role model. In July 2002, after numerous disagreements about stories and, understandably, covers, Gruner & Jahr management fires Rosie editor Cathy Cavender. Upset, O’Donnell asks G&J to fire new editor Susan Toepfer almost immediately after she starts. The publisher overrules the move, pointing out that O’Donnell has limited authority over editorial staffing. Outraged, O’Donnell shuts down the magazine.

STEP 3: Lawyer up and bicker. On Oct. 1, Gruner & Jahr files a $100 million lawsuit against O’Donnell for breach of contract, referring to her as a “self-proclaimed uber-bitch” and arguing that her “bizarre and ofttimes mean-spirited behavior soon had the effect of making it difficult, and ultimately impossible, for G&J to continue publishing the magazine.” Three weeks later, O’Donnell responds with a $125 million countersuit.

65| Her gift: putting the “sham” in shaman.

“She was chosen. She has talent. She has the ability to be a shaman. She is a shaman. She has the gift.” –William J. Cone Jr., attorney for Miss Cleo, the public face of a $4.99-per-minute psychic hotline that drew fraud complaints from the FTC and nine states; the operation is shut down in November

66| Whiffed pitch No. 5: scatological humor.

Metamucil puts out an ad in which a park ranger dumps its product in Old Faithful, which then proceeds to erupt. A Yellowstone spokesperson condemns the ad, saying, “It suggests that it’s OK to pour some substance into a thermal feature.”

67| Those special memories that last forever.

In May, a day after the announcement of possible terror threats involving light aircraft, charter-plane company Wings Aloft flies a Cessna over Seattle to spread the ashes of a Mariners fan over the roof of Safeco Field. Instead of the elegiac dusting that was intended, the container detaches from the Cessna, smashes onto the stadium’s roof, and bursts into a powdery cloud that prompts the mobilization of a haz-mat team.

68| The Borg wannabe market ain’t what it used to be.

In January 2002, Xybernaut launches the $1,499 Poma, a wearable computer that features a 1-inch screen positioned in front of the user’s eye. Units sold in the first year: “In the hundreds,” says company spokesman Mike Binko.

69| Apparently “Sure, I’m being exploited–but at least now I can get me a quart of Mad Dog 20/20″ didn’t test well.

In May, Denver ad firm Sumaato receives complaints from homeless advocates after it hands out signs to area panhandlers in an effort to promote its services. The signs read “At Least I’m Not Spamming Your E-Mail” and “Hell, It Beats a Cubicle.”

70| Their agents are talking to Sumaato even as we speak.

Two homeless men sue the makers of a video titled Bumfights: A Cause for Concern, which features homeless men beating each other up, ramming their heads into stone walls, and having the word “Bumfights” tattooed on their foreheads. The two men say they were paid partly in booze.

WINNER, DUMBEST MOMENT, NEGOTIATION

71| Dear Mr. Gaus, thanks for your interest in partnering with Conair. Regretfully, I must inform you that a deal is unlikely, given that we’ve already filched your idea…

In February, 11 years after German inventor Harry Gaus discovered that Conair Corp. has been using a safety mechanism he invented to shut off hair dryers that fall into bathtubs, Gaus is awarded $46.1 million in a patent-infringement lawsuit. How did he learn of Conair’s infringement? Gaus says Conair told him. At a meeting to discuss a potential partnership, a VP for engineering disclosed that the company was already marketing a dryer that “may infringe your patent.”

72| Whiffed pitch No. 6: blatant stereotyping.

In September, insurance company AmeriChoice brings trucks to blighted neighborhoods in New York City and gives away coupons for free chickens as an incentive for the underprivileged to switch their Medicare coverage. New York state senator Carl Kruger files a complaint with the state attorney general.

73| On another front, Hyatt announces that it’s discontinuing its “Kids Stay Free” promotion.

Liesel Pritzker, 18-year-old scion of the Hyatt-owning Pritzkers, sues her family, alleging that her trust fund was managed in ways that were “heinous, obnoxious, and offensive.” Her claim against family members, including her father, asks for $5 billion in punitive damages.

74| Here’s a hint: Fire is really, really hot.

Thirty Australian Kentucky Fried Chicken employees are seriously burned during a motivational fire-walking exercise at a company retreat. Says one of the extra-crispy managers: “We’re exploring what went wrong.”

75| The eighth habit: fiscal restraint.

In August, Marin County, Calif., announces that it will train its 2,500 employees in the virtues of Steven Covey’s The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. Cost of the program: $570,000.

76| Strangely, callers weren’t appeased by offers of polo shirts and embossed beer cozies.

Thousands of callers to a Gateway customer-service line instead find themselves speaking to Mo’ Money, a small Florida company that puts promotional logos on caps, T-shirts, and assorted gewgaws. It seems Gateway had mistakenly used the 800 prefix instead of 888 on its direct-mail correspondence. “We had as many as 8,000 extra calls a month,” says Mo’ Money president Cliff Mowe, “and these were all angry people.” Gateway settles with Mo’ Money for $3.6 million in July.

77| Yet another reason to make sure fired employees turn in their key cards.

After Canal Plus chief Pierre Lescure is let go by then-Vivendi Universal CEO Jean-Marie Messier, Lescure decides to plead his case to the French people–on Canal Plus. Interrupting station programming, a tearful Lescure ridicules Messier on the air live.

78| The fine art of kicking yourself when you’re down.

With concerns about contraction and a players strike already resulting in diminishing fan support, Major League Baseball tries to put its best foot forward at its All-Star Game. After 11 innings, both teams run out of pitchers, forcing commissioner Bud Selig to declare the game a 7-7 tie. Selig is lustily booed by 42,000 fans at Milwaukee’s Miller Park–home, incidentally, to the team Selig owns.

79| Thereby busting a cap in Xerox’s sorry a–with some crazy f—ed-up ink-jet s—.

In September, Advertising Age magazine reports that Island Def Jam Music Group and Hewlett-Packard are discussing a partnership deal in which Def Jam hip-hop artists like Ja Rule and Jay-Z would promote HP products in songs and videos. HP denies the report.

80| They had nowhere else to go. Highlights doesn’t accept advertising.

R.J. Reynolds is fined $20 million for violating terms of the 1998 settlement that barred tobacco companies from advertising in magazines with high underage readerships. The company had placed ads in Hot Rod, Rolling Stone, Spin, and Vibe.

81| Corporate earnings reports: now 100 percent accurate!*

The board of Silicon Valley software firm HPL Technologies fires its CEO, Y. David Lepejian, in July, after it discovers that he was responsible for faking sales figures. The company admits that an impressive $11 million of the $13.7 million in revenues reported for the quarter ending March 2002 was entirely fictitious. HPL stock tumbles an even-more-impressive 72 percent on the day the fraud is announced.

*Minus about 80 percent

82| For reasons never adequately explained, McDonald’s runs an ad that features a disturbing, bloated, poorly coiffed creature. And also Grimace.

83| Except telemarketers are only annoying during dinner.

“We’re down at the bottom of the heap, with telemarketers.” –GE CEO Jeffrey Immelt, on corporate leaders

84| Hook meets Battlefield Earth. Sounded good at the pitch meeting.

On the heels of clunkers like Atlantis and The Emperor’s New Groove, Disney releases the $140 million animated feature Treasure Planet the day before Thanksgiving. The movie takes in an anemic $16.6 million on its opening weekend; five days later Disney revises its fourth-quarter profit estimates downward, thereby officially ending America’s love affair with clipper ships.

WINNER, DUMBEST MOMENT, HUMAN RESOURCES

85| Although, in 2002, heading up technology banking could legitimately have been called punishment.

In December 2000, high-flying Credit Suisse First Boston investment banker Frank Quattrone e-mails his entire banking group, recommending the discarding of documents in the midst of a federal investigation. A year later, he’s hit with … a promotion, in which he’s named global head of technology banking. Reconsidering the matter when new details come to light this February, CSFB places Quattrone on leave; he later resigns.

86| At least he didn’t say anything about “market penetration.”

In early 2002, German businessman Martin Portmann launches what is believed to be the world’s first rent-a-sheep service. “The main thing,” Portmann says of his largely city-dwelling customers, “is they enjoy being with the animals.”

87| Among its target audience, of course, the line between “date” and “prostitute” does tend to blur.

E-ECAD, a provider of electronic design automation software, takes out an ad on a Silicon Valley billboard that uses pictures of female archetypes to explain its three payment options: hourly (a prostitute), term (a girlfriend), and perpetual (a bride). After it comes under fire, the company puts out a press release explaining that the hourly woman–wearing thigh-high red boots and a miniskirt–wasn’t a prostitute but rather a “date.”

88| Besides, we sold that URL to Salon.com.

An outage on Verizon’s website in August redirects visitors to a curiously named page, outtabiz.htm. The company later changes it to the more mundane index.htm. Says a Verizon spokesperson: “Out of business is obviously not the best choice of words.”

89, 90, 91 How the right merger can create exponential growth.

January 2002 One year after the completion of its much-ballyhooed merger, AOL Time Warner posts a paltry quarterly loss of $1.8 billion.

April 2002 Just three months later, AOL Time Warner announces a loss of $54.2 billion, the biggest quarterly loss in U.S. history.

January 2003 Stunningly, a mere nine months after that–and just two years after the consummation of the marriage–AOL Time Warner sets another record with an annual loss of $98.7 billion.

92| Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for thou art with me.

“All us CEOs are auditioning for Jackass, the Movie: Part 2.” –Sun Microsystems CEO Scott McNealy, in a keynote speech at Comdex 2002

93| Slyly slipping a camel through the eye of a needle.

In September, shortly after divorce papers reveal the details of former GE CEO Jack Welch’s lavish retirement package, Welch pens an op-ed piece for the Wall Street Journal. Falling on his sword, Welch announces he’ll give up most of the perks, including a $15 million Manhattan penthouse. Welch defends the original package, however, saying simple cash compensation “would have been much more expensive for the company.”

94| Taking a camel and firmly shoving it through the eye of a needle.

In the summer, California gubernatorial candidate Bill Simon adamantly refuses to disclose his tax returns, citing his right to privacy. After he bows to pressure and divulges his 2001 income–$2.5 million–Simon attempts to revive his common-man image with a new TV ad in which he declares, “Maybe because I’ve made money, I’m not corrupted by it.” Simon loses handily to incumbent Gray Davis.

95| Chopping a camel into millions upon millions of tiny camel pieces and pushing them, one by one, through the eye of the goddamn needle.

In April, an E-Trade proxy report details the 2001 compensation package of CEO Christos Cotsakos, which includes $4.9 million in pay, $29 million in stock options, and forgiveness of a $15 million loan–all in a year during which the company lost $241 million. An E-Trade spokesman says his compensation “reflects the success the company has had under his leadership.” Eight months later, Cotsakos resigns.

96| Whiffed pitch No. 7: Armageddon.

Proving that two nuclear powers with itchy trigger fingers can still be good for a laugh, Cadbury India runs a newspaper ad for its chocolates that features a map of India and Pakistan and describes the disputed region of Jammu and Kashmir as “too good to share.”

97| Gee, with shrewd financial acumen like that, we can’t imagine why you guys went bankrupt.

Shortly after declaring bankruptcy in January, Kmart appoints turnaround specialist James Adamson as its new CEO. Ten months and more than 30,000 layoffs later, Adamson resigns from his post. Under terms of his contract, however, he’ll be rewarded with as much as $3.6 million after Kmart comes out of Chapter 11. Adamson’s total take: nearly $7 million. Kmart losses under his watch: about $2 billion.

WINNER, DUMBEST MOMENT, SECURITY

98| Gee, with shrewd financial acumen like that…aw, heck, you get the idea.

In a bankruptcy filing, Kmart reveals a startling discovery: It seems that the 790 self-service checkout machines it has installed in stores throughout the country–to the tune of $2.2 million a month–have led to an increase in “shrink.” (In other words, allowing customers to ring up their own purchases has made it easier for them to steal.) Kmart asks the court to let it wriggle out of its lease with GE Capital.

99| “Harness of pain” better describes CBS’s comedy lineup anyway.

During filming of the pilot of CBS reality show Culture Shock, Jill Mouser is told to don the “harness of pain,” which reenacts “a Native American rite of passage wherein a young man was pierced twice through his torso with a pole and left suspended in the air by the pole for a period of time.” After she asks if the harness is supposed to “kill my back,” a crew member allegedly says “Yes.” Hospitalized, Mouser sues the producers of Culture Shock, which never airs.

100| Here’s one: We paid how much for that crappy slogan?

In an attempt to boost its profile, the Protestant church in Germany hires ad agency Melle Pufe to come up with a slogan to attract new parishioners. After nearly $1.5 million in billings and head-scratching of biblical proportions–during which the firm’s creative director calls Protestantism “a problematic brand” because it lacks a central figure, such as a pope–the new slogan is announced: “Protestants ask questions.”

101| May they rest in peace.

In January, FinalThoughts.com, a website that, among other death-related services, allowed members to write e-mail that would be sent to friends and family after their passing, passes on. Writes CEO Todd Krim in an e-mail to customers: “It is our sincere hope that another company will be able to someday build upon the legacy that we have left behind.”

101 Dumbest Moments in Business
(Business 2.0)
By Adam Horowitzl, Mark Athitakis, Mark Lasswell and Owen Thomas
January 1, 2004

(Business 2.0) – GRAND PRIZE WINNERS, DUMBEST MOMENTS OF 2003

1 (TIE)|

Two greedy Richards.

Richard the First | In August, the board of the New York Stock Exchange decides to give CEO Dick Grasso his $139.5 million pension up front, ostensibly to save the estimated $10 million it would cost to deliver the payout at retirement. Grasso offers a succinct if not altogether satisfying explanation: “I’m blessed.” When a firestorm erupts over Grasso’s payday, he graciously agrees not to take another $48 million he has coming to him. Then, a week later, Grasso “resigns”–and quickly claims he was fired, which entitles him to another $58 million, including the $48 million he had promised to forgo.

Richard the Second | In October, New York attorney general Eliot Spitzer’s wide-ranging investigation of the mutual-fund industry reveals that Dick Strong, the founder and chairman of Strong Financial, has made $600,000–the equivalent of about 60 bucks to a regular working stiff–through market-timing trades contrary to his own company’s rules. He’s forced to resign and may have to sell his nearly 90 percent stake in the firm, valued at just under $1 billion.

3|

Don’t hate the player. Hate the game.

In September, retail chain Urban Outfitters begins peddling Ghettopoly, a Monopoly knockoff. The top hat, shoe, and car are replaced with a machine gun, marijuana leaf, basketball, and rock of crack cocaine. Reacting to protests, Urban Outfitters pulls the game from its stores.

4|

The next day, Count Chocula drops by to pick up an application.

Dairy Queen franchisee W.A. Enterprises is docked $700,000 by a jury in Richmond, Va., after DQ employee Ayman Ahmed Hasaballa allegedly slides into a booth next to a female customer, pulls down her sweater, bites her breast, and says, “I am like Dracula.” The jury holds the company responsible because it didn’t fire Hasaballa six months earlier after he allegedly attacked a female co-worker.

5|

If we accuse them of backpedaling, does that make them a target?

“We deeply regret that comments made by on-air personalities were misinterpreted. Clear Channel does not condone advocating violence in any form.”

– Clear Channel Radio CEO John Hogan, after disc jockeys at three of the company’s stations urge listeners to attack bicyclists with tactics that include slamming on car brakes, throwing open car doors suddenly, and beaning riders with soda bottles

6|

The company places the blame on junior analyst Mary Jane Bogart, a chronic underachiever who never has the straight dope and often fails to weed out her own mistakes.

Research firm Nielsen/NetRatings issues a report describing a website called the Blunt Truth as “an educational resource for marijuana.” It’s actually an online game site in which teens reveal secrets to one another anonymously.

7|

The annual Pearl Harbor Day bash, however, is a real blast.

In August, online “social planning destination” Evite sends an apology to its users for having cited Yom Kippur, the Jewish day of atonement, as a “reason to party” in an earlier e-mail newsletter.

8|

Just to be on the safe side, let’s also lose the jack, the fuel pump, and the four-stroke engine.

In Canada, General Motors is forced to come up with a new name for its Buick LaCrosse sedan after discovering that crosse is a slang term for masturbation in Quebec.

9|

It then opens a new store in La Crosse, Wis.

In April, Swedish furniture giant Ikea explains that a children’s bunk bed called the Gutvik is named for “a tiny town in Sweden.” Announcing that bit of etymology becomes necessary when Germans point out that, in their neck of the woods, the word sounds like a phrase that means “good f***.” Ikea yanks the Gutvik from its catalogs in Germany.

10|

Buick LaCrosse buyers were sorely disappointed.

In November, Chrysler announces that it will sponsor the Lingerie Bowl, a football game to be played by female models airing as a pay-per-view special during halftime of the Super Bowl. After the carmaker comes under fire for the sexist nature of the event, CEO Dieter Zetsche quickly distances himself from the spectacle, claiming he had no knowledge that it was in the works. The company reportedly pressures the event’s producers to change the players’ uniforms, demanding that participants wear sports bras and volleyball shorts; then, a week later, it drops the event altogether.

11|

WINNER, DUMBEST MOMENT, ADVERTISING

Mommy, can I have something to drink with my cheesesteak?

Fast-food sandwich chain Quiznos launches its new Philly cheesesteak with a TV commercial featuring two businessmen eating lunch alfresco. One’s a smart Quiznos customer; the other, a non-Q loser. “Were you raised by wolves?” asks appalled Guy No. 1. Yes, indeed–and he still calls the wolf den home. Cut to a shot of Guy No. 2 lying on the ground and suckling a mama wolf’s teat.

12|

It could be worse. At least they’re not selling wolf milk.

In July, a McDonald’s outlet in Chicago’s Field Museum is closed by health inspectors who discover that the food preparation area is backed up with raw sewage and that employees have changed the expiration dates on 200 cartons of milk.

13|

Minor attractions include the raw sewage station and the expiration-date changing area.

In an effort to improve its public image, 120 McDonald’s restaurants in England open their kitchens to tourists in October. Says a company press release, “Major attractions include the French Fry station and the Big Mac preparation area.”

14|

Thanks, but we’re still nauseated from Band on the Run.

A British man claiming to have caught the flu from former Beatle Paul McCartney attempts to sell the germs on eBay. The listing is later pulled, but not before seller Ian Mears kindly offers the high bidder the option of “a resealable bag that I will cough into, or if preferred, they can have a plastic container full of mucus.”

15|

By the way, those Do-Not-Call people called again, wondering if you did not want them to call.

In February, Seattle-based software firm Spam Arrest starts spamming people who correspond with current customers. The come-on? “Enjoy a spam-free inbox.”

16|

Don’t forget tall, charming, modest, and irrationally litigious.

“Albie Hecht, TNN’s president, told the media that the name referred to a guy’s name with specific personality traits … irreverent, aggressive, unapologetically male, smart, and contemporary.”

– Filmmaker Spike Lee, explaining why he filed suit against Viacom over The National Network’s name change to Spike TV. Hecht did indeed cite Lee at a press conference announcing the name, along with director Spike Jonze, a character from “Buffy the Vampire Slayer,” and volleyball. Viacom and Lee reach a settlement a month later; Spike TV claims losses of $17 million due to launch delays caused by the suit.

17|

God does exist–and She has a wicked sense of humor.

Just three days before Martha Stewart and her stockbroker, Peter Bacanovic, are indicted for obstruction of justice, making false statements, conspiracy, and other charges, German researchers release a study showing that Erbitux–the ImClone drug that started the questionable-stock-trading foofaraw in the first place–does, in fact, reduce tumors.

18|

We won’t even mention the one they were planning to shoot in Tiananmen Square.

In December, Toyota apologizes for its advertising in the Beijing-based monthly magazine Auto Fan. One ad depicts a Land Cruiser towing a truck that resembles a Chinese military vehicle, thus insulting China’s ever-sensitive army. The other ad shows a stone lion–a traditional Chinese symbol of power–bowing down to Toyota’s Prado, a word rendered in Chinese as badao, or “domineering.”

19|

WINNER, DUMBEST MOMENT, MANAGEMENT

He was never a big fan of business class.

As American Airlines teeters on the brink of bankruptcy in April, CEO Donald Carty goes to the unions, hat in hand, begging $1.8 billion in wage concessions from its 110,000 workers. Yet even as he’s preaching his stirring, we’re-all-in-this-together line, the company quietly files an SEC report outlining a luscious, salary-tripling bonus scheme and a bankruptcy-proof, $41 million pension plan for its top 45 executives. “It’s the equivalent of an obscene gesture from management,” says union leader John Ward. Salvaging the labor deal and likely staving off Chapter 11 in the process, AA’s board kills the bonuses, and Carty resigns in disgrace.

20|

Hmmm. Maybe you should’ve gotten the hint by the 3,168,453rd time we closed one of your pop-ups without reading it.

After years of bombarding Web surfers with annoying pop-up ads, wireless camera maker X10 files for bankruptcy in October, listing debts of more than $10 million. Among the parties stiffed: AOL, Google, Yahoo, and AdvertisementBanners.com, which won $4 million in a lawsuit against X10 shortly before the bankruptcy filing.

21|

Too bad X10 wasn’t based in La Grange. It would’ve won hands down.

In October, the La Grange, N.C., Chamber of Commerce presents its “Small Business of the Year” award to Herring’s Grill. One problem: The grill had closed two months earlier.

22|

Have you tried our new signature scent, Desperation?

In November, after several would-be employees serve it with racial-discrimination lawsuits, retailer Abercrombie & Fitch faces trouble on a second front: Focus on the Family and other conservative groups call for a boycott of the store. The reason: The cover of its Christmas 2003 magalog promises “Group Sex and More.” Abercrombie orders employees to remove all copies of the $6 publication at the height of the Christmas season, saying it needs the shelf space to launch a new perfume.

23|

The official software vendor of the American Humane Society.

“If Craigy [PeopleSoft CEO Conway] and Bear [Conway's dog] were standing next to each other and I had one bullet, trust me, it wouldn’t be for the dog.”

– Oracle CEO Larry Ellison, expressing his interest in acquiring rival software maker PeopleSoft

24|

Larry Ellison really wanted the job, but in the end the choice was obvious.

In August, McDonald’s promotes mascot Ronald McDonald to the post of “chief happiness officer.”

25|

In other news, the company announces that Mr. Schwab has been appointed to the post of chief happiness officer.

In the midst of an advertising campaign to persuade investors to trust the company with their retirement savings, Charles Schwab axes 401(k) matching dollars for its own employees.

26|

Next time, try lifestyle-oriented and emotional and cool and creditworthy and … oh, hell, we give up.

After marketing its sporty Eclipse coupe to 20-something slacker types through a mix of ultrahip ads and zero-percent financing, Mitsubishi Motors announces a $469 million loss from loan defaults. New CEO Rolf Eckrodt says the company’s mistake was “aiming at customers interested in products which are lifestyle-oriented and emotional and cool.” The fix? Aiming at customers with money. The move looks good on paper–just not the paper on which the company’s books are kept. After tightening up credit requirements, Eclipse sales fall by 48 percent, forcing Mitsubishi to spend another $432 million to clear out unsold inventory.

27-29|

AOL: Back on top?

Part 1 | We’re the toast of the town! AOL runs an ad in the New York Post touting the release of a new version of the service. It reads, “You Didn’t Think We’d Launch Something Like This in Boise, Did You?” After Idaho governor Dirk Kempthorne writes a letter of complaint, AOL charges ahead with plans for another gala launch event … in Boise.

Part 2 | We’ve got our finger on the pulse of America! AOL spends a reported $35 million on an ad campaign featuring Sharon Stone, apparently fresh from a romp in bed with the service’s “running man” icon. Matters of taste aside, critics loudly wonder about the choice of an actress whose career peaked a decade ago. CEO Jonathan Miller’s explanation: “The AOL brand was perceived as not sophisticated and not necessarily in tune with the times.”

Part 3 | Well … At least our own company still loves us! In September, less than three years after AOL “acquired” Time Warner, the board of AOL Time Warner decides to drop AOL from the company’s name and change its ticker symbol from AOL back to the original TWX.

30|

On the plus side, all the applicants were buying Eclipses.

“Anyone, feasibly, given enough time and enough resources, could hack into any system.”

– Brad Hill, CIO of Dealerskins, a Tennessee firm that hosts websites for car dealerships, confessing in September that the company had exposed 1,000 customers’ car-loan applications on an unprotected website. The Dealerskins “hack”–selecting “Source” from Internet Explorer’s View menu to examine the webpage’s HTML code–takes about a quarter of a second.

31|

Yes, it does. But your bottled rainwater idea still bites.

In February, inventor J. Hutton Pulitzer files a trademark application for Purain, which he proposes as the name for a line of processed rainwater. When the Dallas Observer mocks Pulitzer’s audacity–he was the man behind the CueCat scanner flop–he transforms the Purain website into a lecture about media schadenfreude: “Sin, greed, hate, envy, murder, fighting, deception, malicious behavior, and gossip. Sounds like today’s media–doesn’t it?”

32|

WINNER, DUMBEST MOMENT, DIRECT MAIL

Save-a-Flush (Plan B): Make people crap in their pants.

British utility Yorkshire Water sparks an anthrax panic in the spring with a mass mailing that includes an unmarked envelope of white crystalline grains. Yorkshire Water explains that the packets of silica sand–which expands in water–are supposed to be placed in toilet tanks as part of its “Save-a-Flush” campaign.

33-35|

WINNER, DUMBEST MOMENT, PRODUCT DEVELOPMENT

Microsoft: In the crapper?

Part 1 | The PC in the WC. On April 30, Microsoft U.K. issues a press release touting a new product called the iLoo, an Internet-enabled toilet equipped with a Wi-Fi broadband connection, a plasma flat screen, a waterproof keyboard, and sponsored toilet paper festooned with Web addresses. According to the release, the iLoo will “allow instant logging on.”

Part 2 | Johnny on the spot. Twelve days later, after much snickering in morning newspapers and on late-night talk shows, Microsoft flacks back in Redmond come up with a clever strategy for damage control. The iLoo, says spokeswoman Kathy Gill, was merely an “April Fool-like joke.”

Part 3 | Something doesn’t smell right. The next day, realizing that nobody’s buying the April-Fool’s-joke-29-days-after-April-Fool’s-Day explanation, Microsoft calls back reporters and admits that it had told an iLulu: The project was indeed real but has subsequently been killed. “We jumped the gun basically yesterday in confirming that it was a hoax,” says MSN group product manager Lisa Gurry. “In fact, it was not.”

36|

Think they’ll buy the April Fool’s joke thing again? Nah, better go with the bit about the top-secret location.

Michael Hanscom, a temp worker at Microsoft’s in-house print shop, is fired after posting to his blog a photo that showed workers at the facility taking delivery of several Apple G5 computers. His supervisor insists that Hanscom was fired not for showing the company relying on the product of its chief rival, but for revealing the location of one of its shipping and receiving departments.

37|

The highest standards of integrity–unless we can save a nickel per call.

In July, just eight months after new MCI CEO Michael Capellas pledged that his firm would maintain an “unwavering commitment to the highest possible standards of integrity,” regulators investigate the company formerly known as WorldCom for improperly routing domestic calls overseas to avoid paying tolls to competitors. Some of the calls were placed by government agencies, posing a potential risk to national security. The General Services Administration threatens to suspend MCI from bidding on future government telecom contracts if it doesn’t improve its financial controls and ethics training, putting more than $700 million in federal phone bills at risk.

38|

Whizzinators don’t cheat on drug tests. People cheat on drug tests.

Over the course of six months, the sheriff’s department in Lubbock County, Texas, catches five suspects attempting to fool urinalysis using the Whizzinator, an artificial penis that dispenses fake pee. Says a straight-faced Dennis Catalano, the owner of the company that makes the device and also sells dried urine, “How people choose to use it is beyond our control.”

39|

They thought about changing their name, but, sadly, Whizzinator was already taken.

U.K. energy company Powergen finds itself so often confused with a similarly named Italian battery maker that it issues a statement disavowing any connection between the two enterprises. It’s not so much the Italian company that the Brits want to distance themselves from as its Web address: Powergenitalia.com.

40|

That’s OK. We hear the computer science department sucks anyway.

In February, Cornell University sends out an e-mail to incoming freshmen that begins, “Greetings from Cornell, your future alma mater!” The message is sent to all 1,700 students who applied for early decision, including the 550 who’ve been rejected.

41-44|

Match the quote with the person who said it.

1| “We’re not shipping A| Intel CEO Craig Barrett, on jobs from the U.S. firing thousands of chip but growing outside designers in the U.S. while the U.S.” hiring thousands of chip designers in India

2| “Oh, OK, now we get it. B| Thousands of newly unemployed Our jobs weren’t Intel chip designers outsourced after all. Thanks, Craig.”

3| “This is not about C| IBM software chief Steve Mills, moving skilled jobs on plans to fire thousands of elsewhere.” coders in the U.S. while hiring thousands of coders in India

4| “Oh, OK, now we get D| Thousands of soon-to-be- it. Our jobs aren’t unemployed IBM coders being outsourced after all. Thanks, Steve.”

ANSWERS: 1A; 2B; 3C; 4D

45|

We didn’t know Cornell had a law school.

“I’m busy doing jack shit.”

– Jonas L. Blank, revealing the dirty little secret of internships, in June 2003. A “summer associate” at the New York corporate law firm Skadden Arps Slate Meagher & Flom, Blank accidentally distributed his personal e-mail to dozens of colleagues, necessitating a speedy apology.

46|

Didn’t we already see this on HBO?

Taking advantage of a local ordinance that gives hearses priority service at gas stations during a shortage, two mortuary workers in Zimbabwe go into business renting out corpses and falsified burial orders. They are arrested in July.

47|

And now, an entirely convincing verbatim quote from a network public relations department.

“CBS will not broadcast THE REAGANS on November 16 and 18. This decision is based solely on our reaction to seeing the final film, not the controversy that erupted around a draft of the script.”

48|

Careful what you wish for, Mr. Shapiro.

“His acute sense of what’s on the minds of his listeners, combined with his ability to … serve as a lightning rod for lively discussion, makes him the perfect fit.”

– ESPN executive vice president Mark Shapiro, explaining why he hired Rush Limbaugh to join ESPN as an NFL commentator. Limbaugh is forced to quit three months later after saying that Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb is overrated because the media wants to see a black QB succeed. Nine days after that, Limbaugh admits to an addiction to prescription painkillers and checks himself into a rehab clinic.

49|

WINNER, DUMBEST MOMENT, PUBLISHING

Meanwhile, a jilted yen sobs quietly at home.

In Moscow, authorities ban a poster promoting Russia’s Finance magazine. Says publisher Igor Maltsev, “I thought the currencies were dancing.”

50|

Translation: Stock images look OK, and photo shoots are really, really expensive.

In February, the Bermuda Department of Tourism struggles to explain how it managed to use a photograph of a Hawaiian beach for a new marketing campaign. The answer: It hired a New York ad agency. Tourism minister Renee Webb explains that the photo selection allowed for “maximum creative impact with superior fiscal responsibility.”

51|

I say, Nigel, you look like you’re freezing your bum off.

In January, British radio station BRMB is fined £15,000 for holding a contest in which entrants are challenged to see who can sit on a block of ice the longest, with the winner getting free concert tickets. The station got the idea from a New Zealand website, but unlike the Kiwis, the Brits use dry ice, which, at -109 degrees Fahrenheit, is unkind to human flesh. Three participants are hospitalized.

52|

They’re doing what? Gosh, we had no … um, make that very little idea.

In December, Putnam Investments drops the $41 million pension plan of Boilermakers Local Lodge No. 5 as a client. Regulators allege that Putnam first spotted the boilermakers breaking market-timing rules in its funds more than three years ago, but didn’t stop them from making trades until September, when investigations of the mutual-fund industry hit the news. Members of the union made as much as $4 million through rapid-fire trades. Putnam fires CEO Lawrence Lasser and 15 other employees, while pension managers and investors pull more than $13 billion out of Putnam funds in the span of a month.

53|

Paid, no doubt, from a slush fund.

The gangbusters success of Frozen Coke–a Slurpee-like concoction sold by Coca-Cola at Burger King restaurants–proves to be a sham in March, when it’s revealed that the successful tests were the result of Coke paying $10,000 to buy up Frozen Coke combo meals. By way of apology, Coke offers to pay as much as $21.1 million to Burger King and the affected restaurants.

54|

Except that when Greenspan rocks the mic with his mad skillz, people listen.

In June, hip-hop icon KRS-One learns that his label, Koch, has released his record Kristyles without his approval. After he obtains an injunction forcing the record to be removed from stores, it debuts at an unspectacular 186th on Billboard’s album chart. Making matters worse, KRS-One releases his approved version for free on Kazaa. When the record is released again in August, it fails to chart at all, meaning that few get to hear him proclaim that he’s “the Alan Greenspan of hip-hop.”

55|

Keep it open through April and you’ll be bigger than Gigli.

After a disastrous run as a magazine mogul, Rosie O’Donnell produces Taboo, a Broadway musical starring ’80s relic Boy George. It opens to savage reviews and empty seats. O’Donnell nonetheless insists on keeping the show open until January, despite estimates that this may swell the production’s losses to more than $20 million.

56|

Actually, it was a sinker.

“The picture will speak for itself. This is a really smart summer movie. It’s not a fastball down the middle…. It’s a curveball.”

– Revolution Studios executive Tom Sherak, attempting to explain the charms of the film “Gigli” shortly before its release. The Ben Affleck-Jennifer Lopez vehicle contributes to Revolution partner Sony Pictures’s $41 million loss in its second quarter.

57|

That’ll just about cover the payments on a Mitsubishi Eclipse.

Cunning Stunts, a London-based marketing firm, begins offering local university students £88.20 a week for the right to plaster logos smack between their hairlines and eyebrows. The “foreheADS” program signs up more than 500 students in the first four months.

58|

The sound of one firm blaspheming.

In August, online CRM company Salesforce.com produces posters promoting a San Francisco appearance of the Dalai Lama featuring the slogan “There is no software on the path to enlightenment.” After Buddhist groups complain, CEO Marc Benioff apologizes, yanks the posters, and makes a $100,000 donation to the American Himalayan Foundation.

59|

WINNER, DUMBEST MOMENT, OUTSOURCING

Passing the $.03

In October, a Pakistani woman doing cut-rate clerical work for the University of California at San Francisco Medical Center threatens to post patients’ confidential files on the Internet unless she’s paid money she says she’s owed for her transcription work. Lubna Baloch claims she hasn’t been paid the 3 cents a line promised by Tom Spires, a Texas man who got the assignment from Sonya Newburn, a Florida woman who got the job from Transcription Stat, a firm in Sausalito, Calif., that contracted to transcribe UCSF’s records for 18 cents a line.

60|

At Goldman, every employee (except the 80 to 85 percent of you slackers who don’t do a damn thing) is special.

At an investment conference in January, Goldman Sachs CEO Henry Paulson explains his company’s recent layoffs: “There are 15 to 20 percent of the people that really add 80 percent of the value. Although we have a lot of good people, you can cut a fair amount … and still be well positioned for the upturn.” Paulson later apologizes in a voice-mail message sent to every Goldman employee.

61|

Soon to be replaced by “You can’t take it to the grave, so you might as well buy a damn watch.”

In August, Timex decides to replace “It takes a licking and keeps on ticking,” one of the world’s most recognizable tag lines, with the utterly depressing “Life is ticking.”

62|

America’s bottom line keeps on growing. Red Lobster’s, alas, does not.

In June, seafood restaurant chain Red Lobster unveils its new promotion: the bottomless bucket of crab. It works–though apparently too well. In September, Red Lobster’s owner, Darden Restaurants, announces lower-than-expected earnings, blaming a 5 percent drop in profits on the “bottomless” promotion. Chastened Darden CEO Joe Lee explains what came back to bite him: “It wasn’t the second helping on all-you-can-eat, but the third.”

63|

“Hermione!” Harry cried. “Oh, mierda, just wait for the DVD.”

A bootleg Spanish translation of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix hits bookshelves rife with apologies from the translator: “Sorry, I didn’t understand what this means”; “I didn’t really understand what this phrase meant, so I paraphrased”; and so on.

64|

We’ll wait for the bootleg Spanish translation, Desgracia.

Shortly before Thanksgiving, aircraft manufacturer Boeing fires CFO Michael Sears and vice president Darleen A. Druyun after an internal investigation alleges that Sears personally lobbied to hire Druyun in late 2002 while she worked for the Air Force–with whom Boeing was negotiating a $21 billion contract. A week later, Boeing CEO Phil Condit resigns as well, just as book reviewers receive their copies of Soaring Through Turbulence: A New Model for Managers Who Want to Succeed in a Changing Business World, a primer on ethical business management by … now-former Boeing CFO Michael Sears.

65|

Computerworld special: Saddam’s web of Viagra-spam terror!

In February, Computerworld publishes an article in which “Abu Mujahid,” a Pakistani operative linked to al Qaeda, claims responsibility for releasing the Slammer virus. The magazine pulls the story three hours after it’s posted online. “Mujahid” is revealed to be Brian McWilliams, a freelance writer who created a fake website to lure gullible journalists.

66|

“And, finally, your outsourcing decisions seem laughably poor.”

In January, a PR agency hired by Seattle biotech firm Cell Therapeutics accidentally sends a brutally frank report on the company’s strengths and weaknesses to reporters and other outsiders. The flacks claim that the e-mail distribution was the work of a computer virus.

67|

WINNER, DUMBEST MOMENT, MERGERS & ACQUISITIONS

Is that where we’d go to register Squanderingbillions.com?

In October, three and a half years after buying Network Solutions for $21 billion, VeriSign sells its dotcom-registration business for $100 million.

68|

I did it because I wanted to seem petty and vindictive.

“There is no business justification. That’s not why I did it.”

– Lindows.com founder Michael Robertson, whose rhymes-with-Windows company is in the midst of a legal dispute with Microsoft, on the revelation that he’s the formerly anonymous donor behind a $200,000 contest to hack Microsoft’s Xbox

69|

Thank you for calling Prudential. For stock quotes, press 1. To log a complaint about market-timing trades, please hang up and wait for the dial tone.

In October, Prudential Securities fires 10 brokers and two branch managers after an internal investigation into illegal market-timing trades. The Securities and Exchange Commission and Massachusetts officials then file charges, alleging that Prudential first learned about the trades in March 2000 and took no action for three years–despite having received as many as 30,000 complaints about the brokers’ trades.

70|

He’s got to piss away his time somehow.

In March, Apple Computer appoints former vice president Al Gore to its board of directors. Apple CEO Steve Jobs reassuringly notes that Gore, who famously dumped his Mac for a PC in 2000, now uses a Mac again. In November, Falcon Waterfree Technologies announces that Gore has joined its advisory board. No word on whether Gore has started using Falcon’s product, a waterless urinal.

71|

Al Gore’s not interested, but we hear Gerald Ford would love to join the board.

Despite claims that it “allows people to go farther and move more quickly anywhere they currently walk,” Segway finds few buyers for the $4,000 Human Transporter scooter in its first year on sale after it’s banned for use on sidewalks by local governments from San Francisco to Key West. In June, its “self-balancing” claims are also put to the test when photos of George W. Bush “riding” a Segway begin circulating on the Internet.

72|

Gov. Schwarzenegger quickly unveils a new plan to fix the state’s budget woes by selling herbal supplements and prepaid phone cards.

Animal-rights group PETA sues the California Milk Advisory Board for false advertising in a campaign that claims that “happy cows come from California,” contending that California’s cows actually live on dung- and urine-soaked lots. A judge dismisses the case on a technicality, ruling, in essence, that as a state entity, the CMAB is free to deceive customers as much as it likes.

73|

Sure, California’s cows may be a little down in the dumps. But Iowa’s hogs are as happy as pigs in …

In October, the Iowa Department of Natural Resources certifies 34 “odor inspectors” to research the not-so-subtle fragrances emanating from the state’s 10,000 hog farms. The inspectors, also known as Nasal Rangers, are sent into the field with devices resembling radar guns held to their noses.

74|

Sounds like a job for the Nasal Rangers!

The same month, the government of New Zealand scraps plans for a tax on noxious emissions by farm animals. The tax would have raised $4.9 million a year to research the effects of flatulence in cows, sheep, and goats.

75|

OK, we promise: This absolutely, positively will be the last flatulence joke.

In April, Kraft rolls out an ad campaign to promote its new presliced, cracker-size cheese. The slogan: “We cut the cheese so you don’t have to.”

76|

We lied.

In November, the Northarvest Bean Growers Association launches a campaign that includes such doozies as “Toot if you like beans” and “Live to be an old fart.”

77|

In hindsight, they should praise the lord that they never had to stay in such a hotel.

Finally closing the books on a 16-year-old lawsuit, an Asheville, N.C., court rules in favor of 165,000 people who paid $1,000 apiece to Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker’s Praise the Lord ministry for stays at a resort that was never built. Lawyers receive $2.5 million for litigating the case; plaintiffs end up with $6.54 each.

78|

WINNER, DUMBEST MOMENT, BRAND EXTENSION

Go ahead, make my bed.

In the midst of shrinking firearm sales, Smith & Wesson Holding Co. expands into the home decor market. A recent issue of the “Crossings” catalog features gift ideas like cowgirl pillows, silk blouses, and bedding in a “rustic yet romantic print.”

79|

Funny, a guy in a Lone Ranger mask said the same thing when the cops found him with a stethoscope in front of the bank vault.

“We looked at a document in the public domain. It’s not some protected preserve with lots of protected content.”

–Larry Lunetta, an executive at security startup ArcSight, claiming that his firm did nothing wrong after an employee was caught red-handed poking around in password-protected files on a competitor’s website

80|

Not to be outdone, American unveils Ric, Northwest launches Wes, and Continental rolls out Al.

Two years after shutting down its money-losing Shuttle operation, United Airlines decides to get back in the low-fare game with Ted. As in, Uni-ted. Get it? Though the bankrupt airline still hasn’t made clear how it will profit despite the inflated labor costs and operational woes that doomed Shuttle, it will apparently save about 50 percent on paint for the sides of the planes.

81|

In customer satisfaction surveys, they still preferred Mainline to Ted.

In January, Babson College student Luke Thompson creates a website for Mainline Airways, offering $89 one-way flights between Los Angeles and Honolulu. In June, after Massachusetts attorney general Thomas Reilly freezes his bank accounts, Thompson insists that he had been planning to begin flights the following month, despite not having permits, planes, pilots, or, really, any of the thousands of things necessary to operate an airline–with the lone exception of bookings. All 121 people who bought tickets get their money back, while Thompson and Mainline are fined $50,000.

82|

How to win friends and influence record sales.

“We won’t win any popularity contests. We don’t really care what people think.”

– Recording Industry Association of America spokeswoman Amy Weiss, on the group’s decision to file lawsuits against customers accused of Internet file sharing, including a 12-year-old New York girl and a 65-year-old Massachusetts grandmother. U.S. record sales remain stagnant after the RIAA launches its campaign in the courts, and an appeals court bans the RIAA’s legal methods in December.

83|

How to win friends and influence software sales.

“Terrorists do things designed to intimidate people, and we see a lot of that going on all the time–people trying to attack us or people that we’re associated with.”

– SCO Group CEO Darl McBride, complaining about the backlash from hundreds of thousands of Linux users after the former Linux software vendor sued IBM, a major Linux proponent, for allegedly violating its intellectual-property rights

84-85|

On a related note, Joseph Goebbels is found alive and working as a marketer in Hong Kong …

In April, Coca-Cola promotes its brand in Hong Kong by selling robot figurines based on popular cartoon characters, one of which features chest plates festooned with swastikas. Coca-Cola later apologizes and pulls the figurine. Four months later, Hong Kong retailer Izzue introduces a line of Nazi-theme T-shirts and other related merchandise. Izzue later apologizes and discontinues the line.

86|

… and also designing fonts in Redmond.

“Microsoft has learned of a mistake in the Bookshelf Symbol 7 font … we failed to identify, prior to the release, the presence of two swastikas within the font. We apologize for this and for any offense caused.”

– From a statement released in December by Microsoft senior vice president Steven Sinofsky

87|

Finally, music encryption powerful enough to stump recording-industry executives.

After SunnComm Technologies rolls out new CD copy-protection software in September, a Princeton student figures out how to disable it. The devious hack: holding down the “Shift” key.

88|

The sentence for first offenders? Three to five in Fresno.

While attending a gathering of business leaders in Florida, Fresno, Calif., Chamber of Commerce head Stebbins Dean–inventor of his city’s slogan “Fresno: Smile When You Say That”–is arrested for attempting to buy crack from an undercover cop. He resigns shortly thereafter.

89|

All that time spent ghoulishly watching QVC’s Knife Hour, wasted.

On a live QVC broadcast in September, a guest demonstrating the virtues of a 12.5-foot telescoping ladder slips and plummets to the ground. As cameras quickly cut from a shot of the demonstrator writhing in pain, studio host Lisa Robertson intones, “He’s moving, he’s OK.”

90|

A parity of itself.

Promotional materials distributed in the fall to ad agencies for celebrity-tracking Star magazine promise an upgraded editorial product and a cover-price hike from $2.99 to $3.29, bringing the magazine into “price parody with People and Us Weekly.”

91|

“Quagmire” is still available.

A day after the U.S. invasion of Iraq, Sony files an application to trademark the term “Shock and Awe” for a videogame. Sony later pulls the filing, calling it an act of “regrettable bad judgment.”

92|

On the plus side, a whole lot of Nevada fifth-graders just aced their LSATs.

A year after it misgrades Nevada test scores and wrongly fails 736 students, Harcourt Educational Measurement uses an incorrect grading key for proficiency tests given at more than 200 Nevada elementary schools. The company faces a fine–again–this time for as much as $483,000.

93|

You’d think his three-part series on the sub-eating executive raised by wolves might have tipped them off.

Esteemed newspaper-of-record the New York Times confesses in May that it has polluted the record with dozens of articles written by 27-year-old hotshot reporter and indefatigable faker Jayson Blair. In a 6,500-word article, the Times details the extent of Blair’s journalistic flimflam: Not only pretending to cover stories in other cities while hanging out in his Brooklyn apartment, Blair even filed for travel expenses using receipts from neighborhood shops and restaurants. In June, as a staff mutiny simmers, two of Blair’s chief enablers, top editors Howell Raines and Gerald Boyd, walk the plank. Blair later gets a book deal; the Times gets an ombudsman.

94|

Sure, that oughta cut down on the looky-loo traffic.

As part of its effort to supplant traditional printed real-estate advertising magazines, online home-finding service eHouseguide.com sends a series of postcards to real-estate agents to drum up listings. The postcards feature pictures of naked men and women at their computers, presumably perusing eHouseguide.com in the buff.

95|

Make that 86 passengers and one lucky photographer from eHouseguide.com.

In May, Castaways Travel’s first naked flight from Miami to Cancún departs with 87 passengers. Wisely, hot coffee and tea aren’t served.

96|

If it doesn’t work out the second time, we suggest you try real estate.

Two Southwest Airlines pilots are fired in April for removing their clothing in the cockpit during a flight. The pilots protest their termination, claiming that just one guy took off his uniform after spilling a drink, and are later rehired.

97|

WINNER, DUMBEST MOMENT, HUMAN RESOURCES

Should you find that your boss is a complete and total jerkwad, use one of his machines to post his memo on the Web.

“I expect my computers to be used for work only. I expect my phones to be used for work only. Should you receive a personal call, keep it short. Should you receive a personal e-mail, I expect the e-mail either not answered, or a brief note telling whoever is sending you e-mails at work to stop immediately. Should I go through machines, which I assure you, I will be doing, and I find anything to the contrary, you will be terminated immediately. For those who think I am kidding, and do not get with this program, I will promise you that by Christmas eve 8:00 you will be gone.”

– From a memo sent to employees in November by Doug Monahan, founder and chairman of technology marketing firm Sunset Direct. It was promptly posted on InternalMemos.com.

98|

Interesting theory, Scott. Now tell us: How many calories in a nice, big serving of crow?

In October, KFC “executive vice president for marketing and food innovation” Scott Bergren announces some innovative food-related marketing: the repositioning of fried chicken as health food in a series of new TV ads. “Consumers,” he says, “will be surprised to learn they can enjoy fried chicken as part of a healthy, balanced diet.” They are indeed surprised: After protests from consumer advocates, who note that the advertised bucket of fried chicken contains 3,090 calories, the ads are pulled.

99|

Not to fear. It’s all part of that KFC healthy lifestyles program.

In January, the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission issues the following press release: “Innova Inc., Davenport, Iowa, is voluntarily recalling to replace about 8,700 Ultrex Thermal/Double Wall frying pans. The pans can explode or separate when preheated, used on high heat, or used for frying, which can pose a serious burn hazard from hot oil or food contents spilling onto consumers. Innova has received 16 reports of these frying pans exploding, including two consumers who received burns from hot oil and eight reports of property damage.”

100|

UR fired

“Its official, you no longer work for JNI Traffic Control and u have forfided any arrangements made.”

– Text message sent in February from JIN Traffic Control in Sydney, Australia, to employee John Eid, who later files a claim for unfair dismissal. JNI says that the message was simply to confirm Eid’s resignation from the day before. In May, Eid and JNI reach an undisclosed settlement.

101|

Conaway himself has never used the safe room. But Dick Grasso has been living in there since August.

In November, Kmart creditors file a lawsuit against six of the company’s former executives, including former chairman and CEO Chuck Conaway. Among the allegations are charges that, as Kmart was sliding toward bankruptcy, Conaway billed the company $106,191 for improvements to his home–including $34,948 for a guardhouse and $3,590 for a safe room–and kept a driver on the payroll to take his children to school. The bankruptcy filing results in the closing of 600 stores and the firing of 57,000 employees.

101 Dumbest Moments in Business
(Business 2.0)
By Adam Horowitz
January 1, 2005

(Business 2.0) – GRAND PRIZE WINNER, DUMBEST MOMENT OF 2004

1 Defrauding investors is sooooooo 2002. These days it’s all about hosing your customers. When you’re a bike-lock maker whose slogan is “Tough World, Tough Locks,” it doesn’t get much tougher than finding out that most of the locks you’ve been making for the last 30 years can be picked with a Bic pen. That, sadly, is what happens to Ingersoll-Rand subsidiary Kryptonite in September, after bloggers begin posting videos showing just how easy it is to pop open the company’s ubiquitous U-shaped locks. Still in denial four days after the hullabaloo begins, spokeswoman Donna Tocci says that the locks nonetheless provide “an effective deterrent against theft” and that Kryptonite will speed up deliveries of new, Bic-proof locks to stores. Unsatisfied, bloggers continue to rail at the company until it finally agrees to exchange the old locks for new ones, at an estimated cost of $10 million. Um … make that at least $10 million: In December the company explains that the process of manufacturing and shipping the 100,000 replacement locks is taking longer than expected. In the meantime, many dealers receive no shipments of new locks, costing Kryptonite as much as $6 million in sales.

2 Now that’s pain relief. Withdrawing arthritis medication Vioxx from the market because of concerns that it raises the risk of heart attacks, Merck sees its stock drop 39 percent, shaving $38 billion off the company’s market cap. Responding to the crisis, Merck management executes a bold, daring plan—a “change in control separation benefits plan” for 230 of its top executives. The plan gives them up to three years of guaranteed salary and benefits if they lose their jobs as the result of a merger or takeover.

3 What’s the problem? We love a guy who stands behind his product. James Joseph Minder, chairman of gunmaker Smith & Wesson, is forced to resign when newspaper reporters discover that, before becoming a corporate exec, he’d spent 15 years behind bars for a string of armed robberies and an attempted prison escape.

4 Do as I say, not as I … hey, get a load of those! After joining the Bank of Ireland as CEO, Michael Soden issues a dictate: No porn surfing on the job. His next dictate: The IT department is to be outsourced to Hewlett-Packard. Shortly after the outsourcing deal goes through, IT staffers, now employed by HP, discover porn on Soden’s computer. Soden resigns, leaving the bank and HP scrapping over who should pay his severance, estimated at $5 million.

5 For more nostalgia, you can always check out your legal bills from the DOJ antitrust lawsuit.

“Microsoft has had competitors in the past. It’s a good thing we have museums to document this stuff.”

— Bill Gates, in a talk at the Computer History Museum in Mountain View, Calif.

6 The family that colludes together, stays together. New York State attorney general Eliot Spitzer files a lawsuit in October against insurance broker Marsh & McLennan, charging that the firm rigged bids by having insurers give artificially high quotes, thus deceiving customers into thinking their insurance policies received competitive prices. Marsh also allegedly received payments above and beyond the normal commissions for steering business to certain insurers. CEO Jeffrey Greenberg resigns, and the company vows to stop the practices, costing it $800 million in “commission” revenue. Finally, Spitzer also reveals that insurance giant AIG, headed by Greenberg’s father, Hank, and Bermuda-based insurer ACE, headed by brother Evan, were among the firms that participated in the bid rigging.

7-9 If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. In April, RealNetworks CEO Rob Glaser—seeing his online music store struggling to compete with Apple’s iTunes because it’s not compatible with the iPod—e-mails Steve Jobs suggesting that he open the iPod to other purveyors of digital music. The e-mail is immediately leaked to the New York Times, which interviews a surprised Glaser. “Steve is showing a high level of fear,” he says.

If you can’t beat ‘em, and you can’t join ‘em, encourage people to whine about ‘em. Still peeved that Apple won’t allow the iPod to play downloads from his online music store, Glaser launches an online petition urging Apple to open up. He quickly pulls the petition offline when he discovers that most of the signers have left strident pro-Apple comments.

If you can’t beat ‘em, and you can’t join ‘em, and you can’t get people to whine about ‘em … put out some half-baked software that forever alienates potential customers? Not backing down, Glaser offers a software hack that allows iPods to play songs purchased from Real. Apple blasts its rival for exhibiting “the ethics of a hacker” and warns iPod users that future updates to its software will render the Real songs unplayable. But it turns out that if Real is acting like a hacker, it’s not a particularly talented one: Several Real customers report that the software fills their screens with ads and crashes their computers. In November an Apple software update blocks the hack.

10 In fairness, though, they did turn away the $300 with Dennis Kucinich. A clerk at the Fashion Bug store in Greensburg, Pa., accepts a $200 bill—and gives the customer $100.58 in change—even though the bill is festooned with clues that it might not be legal tender, including a picture of President George W. Bush and the serial number DUBYA4U2001.

11 Gas pains. Royal Dutch Shell stuns Wall Street when it suddenly announces it’s missing more than $60 billion in oil and gas reserves. The news shouldn’t come as a surprise to industry analysts, however: ChevronTexaco, a partner with Shell in an Australian gas field that figured in the overstatements, has yet to count any of that petroleum on its balance sheet. Investors decide Shell’s value is also overstated, issuing their own $14 billion reduction in market cap.

12 From the folks who brought you Riding in Vegas With Tupac. In March, Italian firm Comet Records releases Burning House of Love, by Great White, the band whose onstage pyrotechnics started a nightclub fire in Rhode Island that killed 96 people in 2003. The band disclaims any connection with the release, saying it was unauthorized. The label, which licensed the release through a New Jersey firm, apologizes, saying the employee who picked the title wasn’t aware of the fire. An understandable mistake—after all, the blaze was only covered in more than 800 newspapers worldwide.

13 Also to be revealed: the names of the three people who actually went to see The Village. In July, an AP reporter learns that The Buried Secret of M. Night Shyamalan, a supposedly unauthorized documentary aired on NBC Universal’s Sci-Fi Network, is actually a promotional piece for Shyamalan’s new movie, The Village. Sci-Fi Network president Bonnie Hammer apologizes to the Hollywood press corps.

14 OK, we’ve paid for the study. Now can we pay you not to publish it? Bristol-Myers Squibb funds a two-year study comparing its cholesterol drug, Pravachol, with Pfizer’s Lipitor, only to blanch when the results come out in March: Lipitor actually does a better job of preventing heart attacks. After the report is published, the number of patients saying they’re going to ask their doctors for Lipitor jumps by more than a third.

15 Of course not. It’s just an innocent little game called “hide the carrot.”

“It’s a playful and fun launch. There is no sexual connotation to it, in my opinion.”

— Swatch Group U.S. president Yann Gamard, reacting to protests over a Times Square billboard depicting cartoon rabbits in what appear to be various sexual positions. The watch being advertised is called the Bunnysutra.

16 Still fattening, but now with a funky aftertaste! Ignoring a long history of failure with similar products, Coca-Cola and PepsiCo spend a total of $75 million to launch “midcalorie” sodas C2 and Pepsi Edge, banking on the low-carb trend. The carb-conscious reject the drinks en masse, since one of their key tenets is avoiding refined sugar in any amount. The new brands go on to grab a combined market share of less than 1 percent.

17 Just wait until the ugly people start suing. In November, Abercrombie & Fitch pays $50 million to settle claims that it discriminated against minorities in hiring salespeople for its “all-American” line of clothing.

WINNER, DUMBEST MOMENT, MANUFACTURING

18 Try it in spicy, mild, or totally f+=%ed up. Hormel Foods is forced to recall 104,000 pounds of Stagg canned chili—labeled “hearty beef with a kick of green chilies”—after the kick turns out to come instead from the ground-up parts of a plastic handheld calculator.

19 Now wipe your tears and go sit on that block of ice.

“I give Gene permission to bust my behind any way he sees fit.”

— Agreement given to female workers at Tasty Flavors Sno Biz in Red Bank, Tenn. The owner of the shaved ice operation is charged in November with two counts of sexual battery after it dawns on a pair of 19-year-old ex-employees that spankings are not a professionally sanctioned management tool.

20 Apparently, Shimada forgot to have the “bust-my-behind” clause included in his contract. In October, Japanese comedian Shinsuke Shimada is suspended from on-air appearances by his employer, TV production company Yoshimoto Kogyo, after hitting a female co-worker who he felt was insufficiently polite in greeting him. Shimada spends two months looking after cows in Okinawa, pays a $2,900 fine, and then returns to the airwaves with an apology, calling himself “a naughty boy.”

21 Oh, we thought it said “do not not call.” A year after winning a $3.5 million contract to set up the National Do Not Call Registry, AT&T pays $490,000 to settle FCC charges that it repeatedly called consumers who had asked the company not to call them again.

22 See line 46 of our income statement: Expenses—nonrecurring and oopsy-daisy. A NASA investigation reveals that while moving a $239 million weather satellite, workers at Lockheed Martin accidentally dropped it, causing a reported $135 million in damage. The culprit: 24 missing bolts.

23 An accounting scandal that’s completely derivative.

“Unlike Freddie Mac, we didn’t do any of these things.”

— Fannie Mae CEO Franklin Raines, on the accounting woes of fellow mortgage-finance giant Freddie Mac. As federal regulators start to dig into the company’s books, however, it becomes clear that Fannie did do some of the same things, toting up its $1 trillion portfolio of derivative contracts improperly. In November, Fannie Mae announces it will miss a deadline for filing its third-quarter earnings because auditor KPMG won’t sign off; a month later SEC chief accountant Donald Nicolaisen says the firm must restate its earnings going back to 2001. Raines abruptly announces his “retirement” a week later—then tries to wangle his full severance package of $1.4 million a year and $30 million in stock options.

24 Not exactly a Kodak moment. After spending eight years and $1 billion to develop next-generation photo-film system Advantix, Kodak kills its camera line. Sales had dropped 75 percent since 2000.

25 Here’s your -ink slip. There’s no “p” in it. Get it? In May, recently fired Caterpillar employee Tom Smith sues for wrongful dismissal and accuses the company of violating the Americans With Disabilities Act. Smith’s disability? Paruresis, a.k.a. shy bladder syndrome. Why fired? Because he couldn’t pee into a specimen cup for a drug test—even after drinking 1.2 liters of water and waiting three hours. According to Smith, Caterpillar fired him despite the fact that he paid for an independent drug test using a hair sample and came up clean.

26 Nice pants. Too bad they’re on fire.

“I’m not going to buy another router company for a router. I could not be more comfortable with our routing strategy.”

— Cisco CEO John Chambers, mere days before spending $89 million to buy the assets of router maker Procket.

27 Corruption, kickbacks, lying, greed—sounds like the kind of riveting story that’ll boost your circulation for sure! Newsday, the Long Island, N.Y., newspaper owned by Tribune Co., publicly confesses in June that it briefly inflated circulation numbers at its daily paper (by 40,000 copies), its Sunday paper (60,000), and its Spanish-language edition, Hoy (15,000). New revelations seem to emerge with each passing week: The fudging of numbers went back to 2001 and involved more copies than originally admitted. By December, 14 circulation executives and other employees at the paper are fired, and—in a separate, sleazy sidebar—at least three others are reportedly being investigated for demanding kickbacks from vendors.

28 Thanks for presiding over an incredibly embarrassing circulation scandal. As a token of our appreciation … A week before Jack Fuller, president of Tribune Publishing, officially steps down from his post in December, Tribune Co. announces a one-year deal that will pay him $618,000 for consulting services “with respect to publishing operations, strategy matters and other mutually agreeable projects on an as-needed basis.”

29 We were wondering why our paperboy just changed his name to Jack Fuller. Tribune Co., which also owns both the Chicago Cubs and the Hartford Courant, deposits $301,102.50 in the bank account of Mark Guthrie—Mark Guthrie, Courant newspaper deliveryman, as opposed to Mark Guthrie, Cubs relief pitcher.

30 Hmmm, Fog Cutter Capital. Is that by any chance owned by Tribune Co.? In June, shortly before Andrew Wiederhorn, the former CEO of Fog Cutter Capital, begins serving an 18-month jail sentence for tax and securities fraud, Fog Cutter’s board decides to name him the firm’s chief strategic officer and grant him a $2 million “leave of absence” payment—covering the fine levied against him. Nasdaq subsequently delists the publicly traded company for violating excessive-compensation rules.

WINNER, DUMBEST MOMENT, ADVERTISING

31 The download speed’s only 56k? Goodbye, cruel world. Nextel puts up a billboard in Cleveland advertising its wireless data service, with a mannequin of a laptop user perched on top. The billboard causes fender-benders as drivers gawk, concerned that a distraught soul has climbed up and is ready to jump.

32 Guess we’ll have to make do with Honest Abe Takes In a Show. On Nov. 22—the 41st anniversary of the assassination of John F. Kennedy—Scottish videogame publisher Traffic announces the release of JFK Reloaded, in which players reenact the killing. Traffic, which also announces a $100,000 bounty to the first person to accurately re-create the three shots that struck Kennedy, says the game will “stimulate a younger generation of players to take an interest in this fascinating episode of American history.”

33 Must be a British thing. U.S. cable companies don’t give their customers nearly this much respect.

“You are through to NTL customer services. We don’t give a (expletive) about you. We are never here. We just (expletive) you about, basically, and we are not going to handle any of your complaints. Just (expletive) off and leave us alone.”

— Recorded message heard by subscribers of British cable firm NTL upon calling the company in September. Authorities say the message was created by a hacker, who was arrested the next month.

34 That’s funny—what we bought was fashion designed by a hypocrite with stretch marks. In November, designer Karl Lagerfeld partners with Swedish retailer Hennes & Mauritz to sell an affordable line of high-fashion clothing. The togs, unveiled simultaneously at 500 European and American stores, instantly sell out. Instead of celebrating the success, Lagerfeld blasts H&M management for not producing enough of the clothes and for daring to make them in a variety of sizes. “What I designed was fashion for slender and slim people,” says Lagerfeld, who himself recently lost 90 pounds.

35 Was he a) laying the groundwork for an insanity plea, b) drunk the whole time he was running Enron, c) actually being tailed by a phalanx of FBI agents, or d) all of the above? New York City police take former Enron CEO Jeffrey Skilling into custody at 4 a.m. on April 9 after several people call to report that he pulled on their clothes and accused them of being FBI agents. Skilling, who reportedly spent the evening at Manhattan bars American Trash and Vudu Lounge, is taken to New York Presbyterian Hospital for observation.

36 That last part is a mistranslation. He said that to everyone but Hillary.

“The town of Hope, where I was born, has very good feng shui.”

— First line of a pirated Chinese version of Bill Clinton’s My Life, in which the former president also sings the praises of Chinese innovation and explains to Hillary that his nickname is Big Watermelon.

37 Oddly enough, that’s exactly what Bill Clinton wanted to call his autobiography. In the fall, New York City’s Metropolitan Transportation Authority pulls bus ads for the clothing company Akademiks that feature the slogan “Read Books, Get Brain”—once it realizes that “get brain” is slang for oral sex.

38 Phase two of the campaign will bring in his girlfriend, Miss Phlegm, and their dog, Li’l Loogie. Promoting the powers of the expectorant Mucinex, Adams Respiratory Therapeutics teams with ad firm Torre Lazur McCann Healthcare Worldwide on a $22 million campaign that introduces the world to a slimy green animated character known as Mr. Mucus.

39 OK, but why did she go back for seven more interviews? Dov Charney, founder of American Apparel—a company whose reputation has been built around its high-quality, politically correct “sweatshop-free” T-shirts—agrees to be interviewed by a reporter from Jane magazine, who reports in July that Charney masturbated eight times in her presence over the course of two months.

WINNER, DUMBEST MOMENT, CORPORATE GOVERNANCE

40 Putting the double-cross in Crossharbour.

“I have been horribly defamed and in fact characterized and stigmatized as an embezzler. I am trying to retrieve my reputation as an honest man.”

— Conrad Black, a.k.a. Lord Black of Crossharbour, defending himself in court in February against legal action brought by the board of his newspaper conglomerate, Hollinger International. Six months later, an internal report details Black’s “aggressive looting” of the company, including more than $12 million spent on leasing a plane to “indiscriminately” shuttle Black and his wife, Barbara Amiel, to their various homes; $9 million to buy presidential papers and memorabilia from the FDR administration; $1.4 million for staff at Black’s personal residences; $1.1 million for a no-show job for Amiel; $90,000 to recondition Black’s Rolls-Royce; and $42,870 for a birthday party for Amiel at New York’s La Grenouille restaurant. Hollinger’s investigators estimate that between 1997 and 2003, the “corporate kleptocracy” fostered by Black resulted in the loss of $400 million, or 95 percent of the company’s adjusted net income.

41 The enemy of my enemy is not necessarily—but, under certain circumstances, might be—my friend … In March, a memo is posted online suggesting that Microsoft arranged a $50 million investment in SCO, a company suing Linux users and distributors over ownership of some of the code in Linux. SCO denies that Microsoft had any involvement, but the investor, private equity firm BayStar Capital, rapidly fesses up: Microsoft executives, a spokesperson says, introduced the firm to SCO and suggested it would be a good investment.

42 Thanks for the tip, Bill. Got any swampland in Florida? After paying nearly $17 a share to invest in SCO, BayStar watches the value of its investment collapse by half as SCO’s attempts to get Linux users to license its software code fall flat. In fiscal 2004, SCO pays $20 million to its lawyers but takes in a mere $829,000 in licensing fees. BayStar later asks SCO to return its investment, eventually settling for a $23 million share buyback.

43 Geez, the used Gremlin we bought after college made it farther than that. The Pentagon-sponsored Grand Challenge, a robot race through the Mojave Desert designed to spur innovation in self-driving vehicles, proves all too challenging when none of the 15 entrants is able to get within 134 miles of the finish line. The “winner,” a converted Hummer built by a team from Carnegie Mellon for $3 million, covers just 7 miles before it hits a rock and its tires burst into flames.

WINNER, DUMBEST MOMENT, PUBLIC RELATIONS

44 You gotta admit, it’s a brilliant way to introduce their latest flavor, Tutti Frutti Destituti. Ice cream maker Ben & Jerry’s partners with an Amsterdam charity run by nuns to give free jackets to the homeless. One catch: The jackets advertise B&J ice cream on the back. Says Erwin van der Laan, a spokesman for the firm that helped arrange the ads, “You have to see this as something they’re doing to repay the nuns, something that they’re proud of.”

45 If I wanted tasteless bread, I would’ve bought that Atkins crap. Interstate Bakeries, the maker of Wonder Bread and Twinkies, files for bankruptcy in September. While the company is quick to blame its woes on the low-carb diet craze, it turns out that Interstate had tinkered with its Wonder recipe to lengthen shelf life. Consumers rejected the stale, gummy bread, contributing to a net loss of $25.7 million in fiscal 2004.

46 Would that be more flexible or less flexible than, say, fungus?

“The carbon fiber mixed mold casing of the X505 notebook is as rigid as magnesium but as flexible as mold.”

— From a description of the new Sony Vaio X505 laptop on SonyStyle.com.

47 Sorry to bother you, Ms. Minnelli, but your agent’s on line 1. In November, Britain’s Channel 4 announces that it’s looking for a corpse that it can film as it decomposes for a show tentatively titled Dust to Dust.

48 Man’s best utterly absurd way to blow his hard-earned dough. In June, K9 Water introduces four flavors of vitamin-enriched bottled water for dogs: Gutter, Hose, Puddle, and Toilet.

49 Um, you know that the “viral” in “viral marketing” isn’t meant to be taken literally, right? In August, antivirus firms start getting panicky calls from people who’ve received a message on their cell phones informing them that they’re infected with the “T-virus.” It turns out that the message is just a marketing campaign for Capcom’s Resident Evil: Outbreak. By way of apology, PR manager Ben Le Rougetel observes that the virus “has spread much quicker than we originally anticipated. It’s now totally out of control, and we’re not totally sure how to stop it.”

50 How the phrase “boob tube” became a triple entendre. In October, a month after CBS is docked $550,000 by the FCC for Janet Jackson’s Super Bowl “wardrobe malfunction,” Fox is slapped with a $1.2 million fine for an episode of the reality show Married by America in which two topless strippers spank a man and have whipped cream licked off them. The levy prompts 65 ABC affiliates to refuse to air the film Saving Private Ryan on Veterans Day for fear of more fines.

51 If you can’t do the time, don’t tell your victim you’re doing the crime.

“This feels like a blackmail session.”

— 32-year-old programmer Michael Anthony Bradley, at a secretly videotaped meeting with engineers from Google. Bradley claims to have created software that could cost the company millions of dollars through bogus advertising clicks and is demanding $100,000 to refrain from selling it to the “top 100 spammers.” He is indicted on extortion charges in March.

52 So that’s why we saw Rob Glaser behind the 7-Eleven emptying a bunch of Pepsi bottles. In February, Apple and PepsiCo launch a giveaway of 100 million iTunes song downloads, with codes hidden under soda bottle caps. Enterprising contest hackers quickly point out that it’s easy to determine which bottles have winning codes: Just tilt the bottle and look at the inside of the cap.

53 To: Ikea From: Everyone Re: Getting sixth-graders to do your product naming

54 On the one hand, it offends our customers’ sense of decency. But on the other hand, it insults their intelligence. In March, stock-image company Corbis kicks off a sweepstakes promotion by sending its clients e-mail featuring a couple frolicking under the sheets and the slogan “Enter the contest you can win without sleeping with a judge.”

55 Can you hear me now? In August, Siemens discloses that its newest series of phones, the 65, could potentially deafen users by blasting a melody when the battery runs low. Cell-phone carriers mmO2 and T-Mobile pull the phones from shops for reprogramming, and Siemens, which previously predicted that the 65 would help the handset division turn a profit for its fourth quarter, instead reports a loss of $185 million.

56 Can you pay me now? In September, Verizon whips gadget geeks into a frenzy by announcing that it will carry the Motorola v710, the carrier’s first Bluetooth-equipped handset. But the frenzy turns into a virtual riot when the geeks discover that Verizon has disabled the Bluetooth’s file-moving functions, forcing them to buy ringtones from Verizon rather than moving them directly from their PCs to their phones. One reviewer is outraged enough to announce a $3,000 prize for the first hacker to reverse Verizon’s modifications.

57 Can you kill me now? Attempting to invite its customers to a festive gathering at an industry trade show in Germany, cell-phone maker Nokia sends out a text message that instantly disables hundreds of phones, damaging them so badly that they must be taken to Nokia service centers for repairs.

58 We hear the next album’s going to be called Chapter XI. At the beginning of the NBA season, Indiana Pacers forward Ron Artest reportedly exasperates his coach by requesting a month off to promote Allure, an all-female R&B trio signed to his record label, Truwarier, explaining that his goal is to “have my girls go platinum.” Artest gives his music sideline some free publicity on Nov. 19 by brawling with fans at a game against the Detroit Pistons, earning himself a season-long suspension that costs him $5 million in forfeited salary. Allure’s album, Chapter III, is released four days later; in its first six weeks, it sells a whopping 1,900 copies.

WINNER, DUMBEST MOMENT, MARKETING

59 The (plastic) lady is a tramp. In an attempt to freshen the image of its iconic doll, toymaker Mattel announces that Barbie has dumped her boyfriend, Ken, after 43 years of anatomically incorrect bliss. The makeover—which also includes a version of the doll with a new car, a darker tan, and an Aussie surfer-dude boyfriend named Blaine—results in critics deriding the doll as “Sleazy Easy Barbie” and, worse, U.S. sales dropping 26 percent in the third quarter.

60 The bad news is, you’re fired. The good news is, your severance just dumped Ken for this totally hunky Australian guy. Laid-off workers at a Dan River textile plant in Sevierville, Tenn., are given a going-away package that includes a $100 Wal-Mart gift card, a Dan River cap, a calculator, a plaque, and three red-headed Barbie dolls.

61 A razor-sharp idea. Gillette spends more than $1 million on a sponsorship package that includes having its razors added to the goodie bags of delegates to the Democratic National Convention—only to alienate hundreds of attendees who are delayed when attempting to pass through security.

62 Wonder who gets fired for that?

“I don’t think it’s a failure. It’s a success.”

— Donald Trump, after Trump Hotels & Casino Resorts files for bankruptcy protection in November. The filing, amid $1.8 billion of debt, is described by the real estate developer and “Apprentice” star as “something that worked better than other alternatives. It’s really just a technical thing.”

63 It’s a fine line between “stupid” and “stupid, stupid.” But at least Mark Cuban didn’t run a huge casino operation into the ground.

“It’s going to be stupid, but I don’t think it’s going to be any of this stupid, stupid stuff.”

— Rich, a contestant on “The Benefactor,” speaking during the first episode of the reality TV show starring billionaire Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban as the man who evaluates 16 contestants to find the one who deserves a million bucks. The competition includes go-cart racing, playing Jenga, and organizing games of H-O-R-S-E. ABC cuts the season to six episodes from eight, getting it off the air before the November sweeps.

WINNER, DUMBEST MOMENT, CUSTOMER SERVICE

64 Apparently he misunderstood the slogan “Think outside the bun.” Responding to a prank call from a man purporting to be a police officer, a Taco Bell manager in Fountain Hills, Ariz., performs a strip search on a 17-year-old female customer.

65 No ifs, ands, or butts about it. Less than five months after the death of singer Johnny Cash, Big Grin Productions of Fort Lauderdale, Fla., attempts to gain rights to the song “Ring of Fire” from co-writer Merle Kilgore for use in an ad for a hemorrhoid-relief product—much to the dismay of Cash’s children. “[Kilgore] started talking about this moronic tie-in without talking to any of us,” says Rosanne Cash. “We would never allow the song to be demeaned like that.”

66 Who says Hollywood is full of witless jerks? It’s the usual bartering at a location shoot: TV production in progress, homeowners noisily having trees trimmed, annoyed rep from the show paying them to stop. Here’s the new twist added by producer Ronald Schwary: Agree to pay ‘em a thousand bucks, but pay ‘em with 100,000 pennies divided into 20 bags weighing 30 pounds each! Revenge! Ha-ha-ha! Paramount apologizes, offers to make the payment in a more manageable form, and donates $1,000 to charity.

67 Oh, well, in that case …

“I don’t know what to tell this woman! ‘Well, actually we’re trying to see if you have a juicy past that we could use against you.’”

— From an e-mail written by an intern at the Grocery Manufacturers Association. The intern, asked by higher-ups to seek out personal information about consumer activist Katherine Albrecht, inadvertently copies Albrecht on the e-mail.

68 CSI: Career Suicide Instigation. In July, actors Jorja Fox and George Eads of top-rated show CSI: Crime Scene Investigation protest their $100,000-per-episode salaries and miss the start of taping for the upcoming season, prompting CBS chief Leslie Moonves to fire them. After a couple of days of explaining to the press that, really, their nonpresence was an accident and a misunderstanding, both are rehired by the show—at a salary of $100,000 an episode.

69-71 Trademarks? We don’t need no stinkin’ trademarks. Part 1 In January, Microsoft threatens to sue Canadian teenager Mike Rowe for registering the domain name Mikerowesoft.com. After an online hue and cry, the company backs down and offers Rowe free software. “We take our trademark seriously,” says spokesman Jim Desler, “but in this case maybe a little too seriously.”

Part 2 In July, Microsoft settles a trademark-infringement lawsuit with Lindows, offering to pay the Linux company $20 million to change its name to Linspire. In court testimony it comes out that Microsoft’s own CD-ROM dictionary defines “windows” as a generic computer term, not a trademark.

Part 3 In November, Microsoft sends a letter to SavvySoft, the maker of TurboExcel, demanding that the small software company change the product’s name. Only one problem: Microsoft has yet to obtain a trademark for the name “Excel.”

72 OK, here’s a refresher. Heaven is the happy place with the puffy white clouds … Southern Living, Business 2.0′s older and far more successful corporate sibling, is forced to pull its April issue off newsstands and mail warnings to 2.5 million subscribers after it becomes clear that a recipe for dinner rolls described as “little pillows from heaven” creates a rather impressive firestorm. Five readers are injured while following the faulty directions, which one food scientist calls a mixture for “napalm.”

73 Well, at least it gave them some riveting stories for the March issue. Trail, one of the most popular hiking magazines in Britain, apologizes for printing in its February issue a route that would send climbers plunging off the north face of the country’s highest peak.

74 Look at it this way: At least we didn’t set your buns ablaze. On Nov. 1, a year after its cover proclaimed the “Tech Bubble Is About to Blow,” Business 2.0′s editors check the stock tables and find that, rather than blow, the Nasdaq 100 index has risen more than 5 percent. They fail to publicly apologize.

75 In search of the killer app. In April, Amr Mohsen, the former CEO of Silicon Valley electronics firm Aptix, is jailed for violating his bail agreement, and his company files for Chapter 11 bankruptcy. While in jail, Mohsen allegedly approaches a fellow inmate to find out what it would cost to arrange a “funeral” for William Alsup, the judge overseeing his case. Mohsen—originally indicted for perjury in a patent case, for which he likely would have served a year in a federal country club—could now face a life sentence in a maximum-security prison.

76 And if he points the remote just right, he can steer the land rovers on Mars … Chris van Rossman of Corvallis, Ore., has a Toshiba TV that’s loaded, baby. Digital cable, DVD, VCR—and the ability to emit the international distress signal, as he learns when police and Air Force representatives show up at his door, having been alerted by an orbiting search and rescue satellite. Toshiba, mystified, offers to replace his TV.

77 Meanwhile, a number of other adult consumers told the company that they wanted their hot dogs to grow at least 3 inches GUARANTEED.

“Our adult consumers said they wanted a larger frank that wasn’t overwhelmed by the bun…. In fact, consumers told us they were looking for more girth in their hot dog.”

— Julie Ketay, a spokeswoman for Sara Lee, after ads for the company’s Ball Park GrillMaster hot dogs come under fire for touting the franks as “girthy.”

78 But on the plus side, he had the churros guy all to himself. Hoping to make a killing in the collectibles market, L.A. investment banker Michael Mahan spends $25,000 to buy a block of right-field bleachers—6,458 seats—at Dodger Stadium for Oct. 1 and 3, based on his calculation that Barry Bonds would hit his historic 700th homer there on one of those dates. The Giants slugger hits his 700th in San Francisco on Sept. 17; the ball is retrieved by Steve Williams, a mortgage broker’s assistant from Pacifica, Calif., who sells it for $804,129 on Oct. 27.

79 Hi-ho, hi-ho, it’s off to keep collecting my $3,500 an hour I go. In March, after 45 percent of Disney shareholders withhold their votes from chairman and CEO Michael Eisner for the company’s board of directors, he announces he’ll step down—but only as chairman. In September, still under fire, Eisner announces he’ll resign his $7.25 million-a-year gig as CEO—but only after his contract runs out in 2006.

80 I believe I can fry. In the fall, a much-hyped concert tour uniting hip-hop and R&B titans Jay-Z and R. Kelly collapses after a string of show cancellations and an alleged assault on Kelly by one of Jay-Z’s crew members. At its nadir, Kelly cuts short a St. Louis show and heads to a local McDonald’s, where he serves burgers for three hours. Kelly then files a $75 million lawsuit against Jay-Z.

81 Looks like we’re not the only thing you guys have been fattening up. Krispy Kreme is forced to restate fiscal 2004 earnings after the SEC begins an investigation into its accounting practices, including allegations that it hid compensation expenses. Meanwhile, plaintiffs in shareholder lawsuits claim that the company improperly booked extra sales by shipping double orders of doughnuts to grocers at the end of the quarter, knowing that the extra doughnuts would be returned after the quarter’s books were closed.

82 Just what the AV club needs—more fat and acne. In a year when federal health officials decree that childhood obesity has become an epidemic, Krispy Kreme comes under fire in Palm Beach County, Fla., for a program that awards grade-school students a free doughnut for every A on their report cards.

83 Then again, maybe childhood obesity’s not such a bad thing.

“I’m glad it wasn’t the chocolate milk. We don’t usually get a lot of takers on the fat-free.”

— Barbara Freeman, principal of the E.R. Dickson Elementary School in Mobile, Ala., after it’s discovered that cartons of nonfat milk in the cafeteria have accidentally been filled with cleaning fluid by the school’s supplier, the Dairy Fresh Corp.

84 What’s particularly galling is that Marrakech isn’t even Glasgow’s sister city. The Careers Scotland organization, in a show of support for the country’s struggling manufacturing sector, provides its staffers with T-shirts bearing the motto “Make it in Scotland.” The shirts are made in Morocco.

85 What’s particularly galling is that Glasgow isn’t even Cardiff’s sister city. David Williams, president of the Welsh North American Chamber of Commerce, pays a visit to the Magic of Wales gift shop at Disney’s Epcot center near Orlando, Fla., and finds that it’s stocked almost entirely with goods made in Scotland. A Disney spokesperson explains that the shop’s supplier of Welsh goods recently retired.

WINNER, DUMBEST MOMENT, BRANDING

86 The sound of one hand … The Yamamoto Bussan candy company attempts to trademark the name of a confection called Snot From the Nose of the Great Buddha. Priests in Nara, Japan, succeed in blocking the application but fail to stop vendors from selling the sweets outside their temple.

87 We knew it was fake. We’ve tried it, and they’re way too quick.

“The action in the video clip was totally computer generated, and we would like to assure you that no animal was harmed in its making.”

— From a statement by Ogilvy & Mather Worldwide, apologizing for the unauthorized distribution on the Internet of an ad for the Ford Sportka, a hatchback sold in Europe. The ad, conceived for a viral marketing campaign, shows an inquisitive cat being decapitated by the car’s moonroof.

88 Lies and the lying liars who can’t even decide whether or not they’re lies. As software maker PeopleSoft attempts to fend off Oracle’s hostile takeover bid, its board abruptly fires CEO Craig Conway. Shortly after the firing, PeopleSoft director Steven Goldby testifies in court that the board discovered that Conway had lied to analysts when he told them the Oracle bid wasn’t affecting sales. Conway himself fesses up, saying the statements were “absolutely not true.” Conway’s contract allows him to be fired with cause for lying, but because the board decides, as Goldby puts it, that Conway’s statements were not “a material act of dishonesty,” he walks away with severance and options worth more than $30 million.

WINNER, DUMBEST MOMENT, MEDIA

89-94 What’s the veracity, Kenneth?

[THE FOLLOWING DESCRIPTIVE TEXT APPEARS WITHIN A DIAGRAM]

Sept. 8 60 Minutes Wednesday airs a report citing memos from President Bush’s Texas Air National Guard stint that suggest Bush received preferential treatment. Scholars of the vicissitudes of IBM Selectric typewriters take note of their ship coming in.

Sept. 10 “CBS News stands by, and I stand by, the thoroughness and accuracy of this report, period. Our story is true.” — CBS News anchor Dan Rather

Sept. 11 “We believe the documents to be genuine, we stand by our story, and we will continue to report on it.” — Posting on a CBS News website

Sept. 15 “We established to our satisfaction that the memos were accurate, or we would not have put them on television.” — CBS News president Andrew Heyward

Sept. 20 “The failure of CBS News to … properly, fully scrutinize the documents and their source led us to airing the documents when we should not have done so. It was a mistake. CBS News deeply regrets it. Also, I want to say, personally and directly, I’m sorry.” — Rather

Nov. 23 Rather announces he’ll retire from CBS News in March.

95 That’s Dasani Classic. New Dasani will come from Biggleswade. Coca-Cola is forced to recall 500,000 bottles of Dasani water in Britain—where the “super pure” H 0 comes from the municipal water supply in the town of Sidcup—after testing reveals twice the legal limits of the cancer-causing compound bromate.

96 Wait’ll they hear about Screwgle.

“The entire universe gets the joke.”

— From a response by the owners of porn site Booble.com, claiming parody as their defense against copyright infringement claims asserted by Google in January.

97 Your seat cushion can be used as a flotation device—and to absorb blows from the angry drunks working this flight. Weary of the sloppy service he’s receiving from two inebriated flight attendants, a passenger on a domestic Aeroflot route in Russia asks if there’s a sober crew member available to serve him. The two drunk attendants beat him up.

98 Guess you’d like to start getting your mail again, eh? Canadian retail chain Pet Valu agrees to stop selling Bark Bars in its more than 290 stores after complaints from the Canadian postal service. The doggie treats include mailman-shaped biscuits.

99 Save 30 percent! Or, on second thought, don’t buy from us at all! In late December, Walmart.com begins taking preorders for a new book, How Wal-Mart Is Destroying America and the World: And What You Can Do About It, for $7.55, a hefty $3.40 off the publisher’s list price. After links to the product page are posted on popular blogs, Wal-Mart quickly yanks the book from its online catalog.

100 In a related development, the Department of Homeland Security announces that it’s dropping the terror alert level to “mellow yellow.” In May, a U.K. company called AudioBooksForFree.com begins selling a $600 portable MP3 player designed to fit into the magazine clip of an AK-47 assault rifle, inexplicably modeled on the site by a woman clad in a bikini. “Hopefully, from now on many militants and terrorists will use their AK-47s to listen to music and audio books,” says ABFF co-founder Andrey Koltakov. “They need to chill out and take it easy.”

101 MP3 war, huh? Sounds like you need to take a meeting with the guys from AudioBooksForFree.com. Despite having brought out a portable MP3 jukebox a year before Apple came out with the iPod, Singapore-based Creative Technology watches as the sleek white device takes over the market. Creative CEO Sim Wong Hoo vows to strike back, promising to unleash new models and a $100 million marketing campaign: “The MP3 war has started, and I am the one who has declared war.” Thanks to his efforts, Apple’s 90 percent market share … goes up three points.

101 Dumbest Moments in Business
Notorious former mental institutions being converted into high-end condos. Candy bars with curious names. And more stupidity. See our list of the year’s most boneheaded blunders.
Fortune Magazine
By Adam Horowitz
February 1, 2006: 4:57 PM EST

(Business 2.0) – GRAND PRIZE WINNER, DUMBEST MOMENT OF 2005

“If you grew up in Danvers, and you remember it as the spooky place on the hill, it might not be the right place to live.”

– William McLaughlin, an executive with AvalonBay Communities, which is converting boarded-up Massachusetts mental institution Danvers State Hospital into a 497-unit complex of high-end apartments and condos. That sound you hear? Not the ghosts of mental patients, but loud hissing from the wildly inflated housing bubble, which tops our list this year with seven priceless moments of real estate insanity. First up: the nuthouse-to-yuppie-house trend currently sweeping North America, with such conversions also planned in Detroit, New York, Vancouver, and Columbia, S.C., where the centerpiece of the development is an original brick building with the word “asylum” chiseled into the facade.

2 Investment bank error in your favor. Collect an additional $1.43 billion.

The judge in billionaire Ronald Perelman’s lawsuit against Morgan Stanley, exasperated by the latter’s delays in handing over documents, instructs jurors to assume that the firm committed fraud. The bank insists it isn’t stonewalling, just running into technology glitches. The jury awards Perelman–who had sued Morgan over its role in his sale of Coleman to Sunbeam for stock that became worthless after an accounting scandal led to bankruptcy–$1.45 billion in damages. Perelman had reportedly offered to settle for $20 million.

3 On the bright side, seeing-eye dogs are total chick magnets.

In May the FDA says it’s received 40 reports of sudden blindness in men taking the impotence drugs Cialis, Levitra, and Viagra. Within six months, combined sales of the drugs plunge more than 10 percent from the previous year’s levels.

4 Bollocks the yellow moons and green clovers. Get yer fat arse down and be givin’ me 50 push-ups, boyo.

Amid a rising tide of child obesity, General Mills launches a campaign that touts the health benefits of not skipping breakfast–and opting for such famously healthy foods as Cocoa Puffs and Count Chocula. The company even enlists the Lucky Charms leprechaun, who normally sells “frosted oats and colored marshmallows,” as part of a new “fitness squad” to explain how breakfast builds muscles and attention spans.

5 So that’s why they call it a CrackBerry.

A study by the University of London’s Institute of Psychiatry, commissioned by Hewlett-Packard, finds that “an average worker’s functioning IQ falls 10 points when distracted by ringing telephones and incoming e-mails … more than double the four-point drop seen following studies on the impact of smoking marijuana.”

6 Pity. We already lined up Ike Turner to judge next year’s event.

Radio station WQHT Hot 97 in New York City runs afoul of New York attorney general Eliot Spitzer with its “Smackfest” promotion, in which young female listeners are pitted against each other in a violent face-slapping contest to win concert tickets and cash prizes. Station owner Emmis Communications agrees to a settlement of $240,000, with $60,000 of the amount going to a local group promoting awareness of domestic violence.

7 C’mon, it’s called Black Apron. Isn’t that enough?

“The message conveyed how proud we are of this new coffee, but did not address our deep sadness and concern for the tremendous loss of life and devastation in the recent natural disaster in Southeast Asia.”

– From an e-mail sent to Starbucks customers in January, apologizing for a previous e-mail that touted its new Black Apron Exclusives Aged Sumatra Lot 523 coffee, released days after a tsunami killed tens of thousands on the Indonesian island.

8 Here’s to you, Mr. Insult-Your-Customers Marketing Guy.

In January a new installment of Anheuser-Busch’s “Real Men of Genius” ad campaign celebrates “Mr. Discount-Airline-Pilot Guy” for putting “the fly in fly-by-night.” When the ad comes to the attention of executives at low-fare carrier AirTran Airways, director of marketing Tad Hutcheson calls the brewer to complain and is put on hold–where he hears not Muzak but a loop containing the offending ad. AirTran threatens to yank Budweiser from the airline’s galleys.

9 After stealing $50 million, what’s a few papers between friends?

Facing charges alleging that he looted his company of tens of millions of dollars, disgraced ex-CEO Conrad Black returns to Hollinger headquarters in Toronto and makes off with several cartons of files from his former office. A security camera captures the escapade on tape. Faced with a contempt-of-court charge, Black returns the files to Hollinger.

10 BUBBLE TROUBLE, PART 2

Three weeks later, Vail’s Board of Realtors announces that it’s moving back in with its mom.

Unable to buy office space in a community where the average home price recently headed north of $4 million, the Aspen Board of Realtors heads north too–to Basalt, Colo., a town of 3,000 residents 20 miles away.

11 To leave a message, press … right … there … no, a little lower … that’s it … ah-h-h-h-h.

In July, Gerald Martin, the founder of a physicians’ answering service in Westchester County, N.Y., is charged with computer tampering after a competing service discovers that its system has been hacked. Patients trying to reach their doctors were instead greeted with busy signals or the sounds of sexual moaning.

12 You invited who over for a play date down in the basement?

Lionel, the largest U.S. manufacturer of model trains, settles a lawsuit with competitor K-Line in which Lionel alleged that K-Line had paid Lionel’s chief engineer “to work surreptitiously … and incorporate Lionel’s current sound, speed control, and electrical transformers” into some K-Line products. Meanwhile, Lionel files for Chapter 11 while appealing a $40.8 million verdict won in 2004 by MTH Electric Trains–which claimed that Lionel and a subcontractor had stolen its trade secrets.

WINNER, DUMBEST MOMENT, DIGITAL RIGHTS MANAGEMENT

13 The furor dies down, but only after Sony says that the real intent was to prevent the spread of the malicious Celine Dion virus.

Sony BMG installs software on its CDs “to prevent unlimited copying and unauthorized redistribution,” but the cure is worse than the disease: The software makes customers’ PCs vulnerable to hackers and viruses. Software maker Internet Security Systems labels Sony’s program malicious because it “actively attempts to hide its presence from users.” Ultimately, Sony offers uninstall software and has to recall millions of albums, including The Invisible Invasion, by the Coral; Healthy in Paranoid Times, by Our Lady Peace; and On Ne Change Pas (One Does Not Change), by Celine Dion.

14 How ’bout you stop sending us those Celine Dion CDs?

“What do I have to do to get Audioslave on WKSS this week?!!? Whatever you can dream up, I can make it happen.”

– E-mail from an employee of Sony BMG’s Epic label to a Hartford, Conn., radio station. In July the company pays a $10 million fine as part of a settlement in which it agrees to stop indirectly paying radio stations to play songs by its artists.

15 A perfectly good orgy of violence and mayhem, ruined.

In June a Dutch programmer releases software that lets players of Take-Two Interactive’s Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas access sexually explicit content left in the game’s source code by its developers. Already marked “Mature” for “blood and gore, intense violence, strong language, strong sexual content, and use of drugs,” the game gets rerated “Adults Only,” causing Target and Wal-Mart to pull it from stores. Take-Two’s quarterly revenues fall $40 million short of projections.

16 It descends from the military-industrial complex. Not so ironically it unleashes grave embarrassment.

“We consider the ad offensive, regret its publication, and apologize to those who, like us, are dismayed with its contents.”

– Mary Foerster, spokeswoman for Boeing Integrated Defense Systems, about an ad in the Sept. 24 issue of National Journal that depicts the CV-22 Osprey in an assault on a mosque accompanied by copy that reads, “It descends from the heavens. Ironically it unleashes hell.”

17 Say “cheesed.”

Three and a half years after filing for Chapter 11, Polaroid is sold to Petters Group Worldwide for $426 million. Chairman Jacques Nasser and CEO J. Michael Pocock walk away with $12.8 million and $8.5 million, respectively. More than 4,000 retirees, meanwhile, receive one-time checks for $47 but lose their medical and life insurance benefits.

18 Perhaps they should change the motto to “Don’t be stupid.”

New Google employee Mark Jen adds a post to his blog in which he says he spent his first day in an HR presentation about “nothing in particular.” Apparently, Jen snoozed through the company’s strict disclosure rules. In a subsequent post, he reveals that the company expects unprecedented revenues and profit growth in 2005, projections that Google has yet to share with Wall Street. Jen soon receives another presentation from HR: a pink slip.

19 “Don’t be stupid” keeps sounding better and better.

In July, Google informs CNET that it will prohibit company employees from talking to its reporters for a full year. Why the boycott? In an article about Google’s privacy practices, CNET reporter Elinor Mills demonstrated the kind of personal information that can be found online by googling CEO Eric Schmidt, revealing his $1.5 billion net worth, details of his attendance at a $10,000-a-plate fund-raiser for Al Gore, and–gasp!–his passion for flying airplanes. In September, facing criticism for hypocrisy and overreaction, Schmidt cuts short the silent treatment and grants Mills an interview.

20 He’s a perfect 10–a 1, plus 9 glasses of sparkling Lambrini!

Having barred alcohol marketing that associates drinking with sex, British regulators block an ad that shows women imbibing Lambrini sparkling wine while using a fishing pole to hook a hunky guy. The Advertising Standards Authority says the ad violates its guidelines because the guy “looks quite attractive and desirable to the girls.” It would pass muster if only he were “overweight, middle-aged, balding, etc.” The company then runs a version of the ad using a paunchy, chrome-domed model.

21 Sounds OK, so long as all the men are overweight, middle-aged, balding, etc.

Developers announce plans for the London Academy of Sex and Relationships, an $8.3 million sexual theme park. The project, a spokesperson says, is “committed to avoiding the sleazy image that the sex industry usually conjures …. Titillation is not the goal.”

22 Ho, ho, ho, indeed.

During the run-up to Christmas, the North Shore Mall in Peabody, Mass., denies children access to Santa’s lap unless their parents pony up $21 for a photo. Or at least that seems to be the rule until Maria Grigorian and her weeping child are turned away because the single mother can’t afford to pay. After Grigorian tips off local TV reporters, the mall says it’s always had a no-charge Santa policy and claims the incident was a simple misunderstanding.

23 New for 2006: gaunt, hollow-eyed Stalking You Bear.

In January the Vermont Teddy Bear Co. receives protests from the mental-health community over its Crazy for You Bear, a plush toy in a straitjacket that comes with commitment papers. The company agrees to discontinue the bear.

24 Damn those infernal computating hoochamagooches.

In November ex-MTV veejay Adam Curry logs on to Wikipedia and edits the entry about podcasting, playing up his role as an early pioneer and deleting mentions of other inventors. Caught by server logs that point to his involvement, Curry admits to the attempt but claims that–despite being smart enough to invent podcasting–he was befuddled by Wikipedia’s interface and altered the entry by accident.

25 Who knew Adam Curry was such a potty-mouth?

Los Angeles Times opinion page editor Michael Kinsley introduces “wikitorials,” inviting readers to log on and revise the newspaper’s op-eds. “It may be a complete mess, but it’s going to be interesting to try,” Kinsley says. He’s right. Readers contribute with abandon–and with profanity. The paper suspends the feature, and Kinsley resigns three months later.

26 And maybe the cops come three days later and find you stabbed to death on your kitchen floor.

“If there’s a burglar in my home, maybe I send an e-mail or a text message to the police instead of making a call.”

– Skype co-founder Niklas Zennstrom, on his VOIP service’s lack of 911 access.

27 Enron? Those guys were lame. We did the same thing, but it only took us two months.

In August, commodities brokerage Refco debuts on the New York Stock Exchange. Its stock rises 25 percent the first day. Nine weeks later, on Oct. 10, the company discloses that CEO Phillip Bennett had hidden $430 million in debt from its books. On Oct. 12, Bennett is arrested for securities fraud. On Oct. 13, trading in Refco is halted. On Oct. 17 the firm files for bankruptcy and starts selling off assets.

28 For speed, Refco’s got you beat. But in terms of creativity …

In September, two months after Connecticut-based hedge-fund firm Bayou Management closed its doors but assured investors that their money would be returned, founder Sam Israel III and CFO Daniel Marino plead guilty to fraud and conspiracy charges. SEC investigators say Bayou had burned through $300 million of the $450 million it had taken in since its founding in 1996, had siphoned off tens of millions by funneling trades through its own securities firm, and had even set up a sham accountancy to issue fake audits attesting to its phony results. Israel and Marino each face up to 30 years in prison.

WINNER, DUMBEST MOMENT, PUBLIC RELATIONS

29 Men, on the other hand, have a charming self-destructive quality.

Speaking at an ad industry event in Toronto, WPP Group’s worldwide creative director, Neil French, says there aren’t more female creative directors “because they’re crap” and they eventually “wimp out” and “go off and suckle something.” French speaks from a stage decorated as a hunting lodge while being served drinks by a woman in a skimpy maid’s outfit, of whom he asks, “Could you lean over a bit more?” Two weeks later WPP accepts French’s resignation.

30 BUBBLE TROUBLE, PART 3

Better get your offer in quick–rumor has it, Kate Moss is very interested.

A house in the Shepherds Bush area of London measuring less than 10 feet across at its widest goes on the market for $933,000. Listing agent Winkworths describes the anorexic structure as “utterly amazing and almost certainly unique.”

31 Next up: the caramel crown of thorns.

In March, Russell Stover unveils its new Easter candy: 6-inch chocolate crucifixes. The Roman Catholic diocese in Bridgeport, Conn., denounces the confection, saying that an edible version of the cross on which Jesus Christ died is not an appropriate Easter-basket mate for marshmallow chicks and chocolate bunnies.

32 From the best stuff on earth … to a sewer on 17th Street.

Snapple abandons an attempt to erect the world’s largest popsicle when the 24-foot-tall, 35,000-pound frozen treat begins melting as it’s being hoisted upright in New York’s Union Square Park. Snapple attempts its stunt on an 80-degree day in June; the record remains a 21-footer erected in more temperate Holland.

33 It’ll be even clearer when the accents are from Bangalore.

Several McDonald’s outlets in the Pacific Northwest begin outsourcing drive-through functions to remote call centers staffed by “professional order-takers” with “very strong communication skills.” Says CEO Jim Skinner, “If you’re in L.A. and you hear a person with a North Dakota accent taking your order, you’ll know what we’re up to.”

WINNER, DUMBEST MOMENT, ADVERTISING

34 Bummer. But we’re still going ahead with the “Schindler’s Shopping List” campaign, right?

Fighting a proposal that would limit superstores in Flagstaff, Ariz., Wal-Mart signs off on an ad in the Arizona Daily Sun that asks, “Should we let government tell us what we can read? Of course not … So why should we allow local government to limit where we shop?” The ad is illustrated with a vintage photo of Nazi supporters throwing books into a bonfire. Wal-Mart later apologizes, saying it had not appreciated the photo’s “historical context.”

35 Meanwhile, in other news about Wal-Mart and Germans …

In November, Wal-Mart loses an appeal of a ruling that its attempts to prohibit workplace romances among its 10,500 employees in Germany conflict with the country’s laws. Wal-Mart had tried to introduce a 28-page ethical code that reportedly banned “lustful glances and ambiguous jokes” as well as “sexually meaningful communication of any type.”`

36 We know why you fly … JetBlue.

The winner of the American Airlines “We Know Why You Fly” contest, which promised to award 24 round-trip tickets to the traveler who submitted the best video about his airborne experiences, turns down the grand prize. Why? Because American fails to cover the winner’s federal, state, and local income taxes, which amount to about $19,000, or $800 per ticket.

37 A miracle? That’s not for us to say. But after the drapes caught fire, our house did keep burning for eight straight days.

In September, Continental Creations of New Bedford, Mass., recalls a line of $20 dog- and cat-festooned menorahs on which “the cups holding the candles could ignite, posing a fire hazard.”

38 Jeez, it’s just a little beeping noise. Don’t go having a heart attack.

In June, Guidant recalls 50,000 heart defibrillators–about 38,600 of them already implanted in people’s chests–that might, in rare cases, short-circuit when they’re supposed to deliver vital electrical jolts. The recall comes after the devices were reported to have failed at least 45 times, including two instances in which the patients died. Guidant fixed the flaw in devices made after mid-2002 but neglected to inform doctors and continued to sell units produced before the fix. The recall advises patients that, should the device malfunction, it will emit a beeping noise, at which point they should contact their doctors or head to an emergency room.

39 That may be, but you don’t have to rub it in.

“Jessica recognizes that she has a very broad fan base.”

– A spokesperson for Jessica Simpson, explaining the size-2 entertainer’s introduction of a plus-size line of jeans in August.

40 Just google him. We hear it really ticks him off.

“F—ing Eric Schmidt is a f—ing pussy. I’m going to f—ing bury that guy, I have done it before and I will do it again. I’m going to f—ing kill Google.”

– Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer, in response to the departure of Mark Lucovsky, a former Microsoft “distinguished engineer” who left last year to work at Google. The alleged aria, punctuated by the tossing of a chair, was cited in a sworn statement by Lucovsky that became public during court hearings over another Microsoft-to-Google defection in September. Microsoft denies Lucovsky’s version of the incident.

41 If that’s what you mean by f—ing killing someone, would you mind f—ing killing us next?

In February, Microsoft unveils a new version of MSN search, developed at a cost of $100 million, in an attempt to take market share from Google. MSN’s share of Internet search traffic promptly drops by a full percentage point.

42 Nice job with that pirated DVD bonfire, Tenderfoot.

In May the Scout Association of Hong Kong launches the first merit badge program “focused on respect for and protection of intellectual property rights.”

43 Good news, kids: You can flunk out of kindergarten and still grow up to become the CEO of a major tech company!

“We’re grabbing that word and saying, of anybody, we own the word ‘share.’”

– Sun Microsystems CEO Scott McNealy, discussing his company’s open-source strategy.

44 She went on to deny any involvement on the part of Neil French.

In July, Burger King launches an ad campaign for its new Chicken Fries featuring a faux heavy-metal band called CoqRoq. Coqroq.com initially features photos of female fans captioned “Groupies love the Coq.” After the captions are removed, Burger King spokeswoman Edna Johnson tells Advertising Age that they were written and assigned randomly by computer software that has since been disabled.

WINNER, DUMBEST MOMENT, SECURITY

45 May I see my ID?

In February, ChoicePoint–the self-proclaimed “leading provider of identification and credential verification services”–admits that it sold the personal data of 145,000 people to a number of unauthorized recipients, including an identity-theft ring in Los Angeles. ChoicePoint thoughtfully offers the victims a free credit report–but still makes them pay to see the detailed information that was provided to the criminals. The incident kicks up an identity-theft furor serious enough to draw congressional hearings; the company later reports the incident cost it $21 million.

46 No, no. I said, “May I see my ID?”

New Jersey payroll services provider Automatic Data Processing sends postcards to more than 1,000 employees of Adecco Employment Services, a global human resources firm, printed with the employees’ Social Security numbers and instructions for accessing their benefits information online.

47 Mmmm. Can’t wait to belly up to the all-you-can-eat gruel buffet.

Developers in Chatham, England, announce plans for Dickens World, a $100 million theme park based on the life and times of Charles Dickens.

48 There’s no exhaust pipe, but a rear-facing aromatherapy emitter now comes standard.

A carmakers’ lobbying group runs an ad featuring a photo of a child in a car seat with copy that states, “Autos manufactured today are virtually emission-free.” When called on the claim, the Alliance of Automobile Manufacturers says the ad refers to emissions classified as pollutants by the EPA, not greenhouse-gas emissions, which have risen more than 13 percent since 1990. The Union of Concerned Scientists counters with an ad that shows a buckled-in baby holding a cigarette and the headline: “If today’s cars are ‘virtually emission-free’ … then so is this cigarette.”

49 BUBBLE TROUBLE, PART 4

The air we breathe is free? Says who?

In November, New York developers William and Arthur Zeckendorf agree to pay $37 million for the air rights above a church and an 88-year-old private club. The Zeckendorfs’ purchase, part of a plan to build a 35-story apartment building that would tower over its neighbors on East 60th Street, comes out to a whopping $430 per square foot–two to four times the going rate for the skies above Manhattan.

50 Got a yen for J-Com shares?

In December, job recruiter J-Com’s IPO in Tokyo goes awry when a trader for Mizuho Securities types in an order to sell 610,000 shares at 1 yen (less than a penny) per share instead of the intended 1 share at 610,000 yen (about $5,000). Though the order is for 41 times the number of outstanding shares, the Tokyo Stock Exchange insists that the order be processed as entered. Mizuho loses at least 27 billion yen ($225 million) on the typo, an amount nearly equal to its entire profit for the prior fiscal year.

51 How much extra does it cost to have the tele-marketers join our loved ones in the great beyond?

The Direct Marketing Association rolls out a Deceased Do-Not-Contact list to stop calls to dead relatives. The fee for preventing tele-marketers from reaching to the grave: $1 per person.

52 And how much to have the record labels not sue them?

In January, members of the Recording Industry Association of America sue Gertrude Walton, a Mount Hope, W.V., resident who had died nearly two months earlier. The lawsuit, Walton’s daughter says, comes despite her having sent copies of the death certificate to the labels’ lawyers.

53 KBore.

In May, Infinity Broadcasting switches San Francisco radio station KYCY to an all-podcast format promoted as “KYOU Radio.” Among the programming highlights: “My Daily Commute” (a guy mulling his mortality while driving to work), “Rock and Roll Jew Show” (the latest hits from Israel), and “The Worst Music You’ve Ever Heard” (’nuff said). Meanwhile, KYCY shows it’s still fuzzy on the difference between podcasting and merely turning one’s station over to amateurs: The “podcasts” are to be broadcast over the airwaves but are not made available for downloading.

54 Our new orange-glazed chicken is absolutely heavenly.

“It is difficult to conceive what consulting services a deceased individual might provide to Tyson.”

– From a lawsuit by Amalgamated Bank against Tyson Foods board members for breach of fiduciary duties. Among other complaints, the suit alleges the company has promised to pay consulting fees of $800,000 a year to retired CEO Don Tyson–and to keep paying the money to his survivors after he dies.

55 Thanks. Oh, wait, one last thing. Would you mind wearing these Mickey Mouse ears?

During its first week of operation in September, Hong Kong Disneyland finds itself coping not only with food-poisoning accusations but also with indignant city hygiene officers, who were ordered by park employees to remove their caps and epaulets before entering the park to investigate.

56 If all else fails, he can always find work as an inspector of Disneylands.

A Qantas Airways baggage handler is suspended after he’s caught opening a passenger’s luggage, discovering a camel costume, donning the head, and driving around the tarmac on a baggage cart at Sydney Airport. The incident is reported by the costume’s owner, who spies the culprit through the window of the terminal.

57 Grand theft Nano.

In April the NYPD reports that, after a decade of steady declines, subway crime jumped 18 percent in the first quarter of 2005. The culprit? None other than Steve Jobs. According to the department’s statistics, more than a third of the rise in felonies came as the result of iPods being swiped or stolen with the threat of violence.

58 Book burning? Next time try a memory-card burning instead.

In March a Minneapolis-area Wal-Mart sells customer Tina Ellison a digital camera. After she takes it home, her children begin playing with it and discover that the camera comes with free content–a video of a man violating himself, recorded on the supposedly new camera’s memory card. The store replaces her camera and offers to provide her children with counseling.

59 He tried the want ads first, of course, but the job market for fashion gods just ain’t what it used to be.

“If I can help people focus on preparedness … then I hope I can help the country in some way.”

– Former FEMA director Michael Brown, just two months after he resigned in the wake of his agency’s failed response to Hurricane Katrina, announcing plans to start his own disaster-preparedness consulting firm.

60 The Gambinos then suspend operations in the state, citing the rising cost of workers’ comp.

In November a Virginia state appeals court rules that minor-league hockey player Ty A. Jones, who injured his shoulder in an on-ice fight, is entitled to workers’ compensation. The court upholds an earlier ruling that Jones’s injury arose as part of his employment as an “enforcer” for the Norfolk Admirals.

61 Farting shoes? What’s not to like?

Florida-based Goosebumps Products, a maker of gel-filled shoe inserts, sues supplier Bell Chem Corp., claiming that, by delivering the wrong chemical, it had caused bubbles to form in the insoles that emit “a flatulence-like noise” with each step. Goosebumps is forced to dispose of at least 35,000 pairs and soon goes out of business.

62 “Can you hear us now? We’re sor–”

Vodafone in New Zealand apologizes for cleaning out the prepaid accounts of customers who accessed its “absolutely free” service offering games, ringtones, and other downloads. The company declines to reveal how many customers were affected or how much money was involved in its hastily arranged reimbursement program.

63 “The Other White Meat Queen” probably wouldn’t fit on the sash.

The Iowa Pork Producers Association announces that it may retire a contest used to promote its product–due to the lack of interest among young Iowa women in being designated “Pork Queen.” These days, surprisingly, only a handful of hopefuls enter the porcine pageant, which started back in 1960.

WINNER, DUMBEST MOMENT, OUTSOURCING

64 Told you we shouldn’t have rented that list from the Department of Homeland Security.

Blaming a mailing-list vendor for providing bad information, JPMorgan Chase apologizes for sending a form letter about its credit card services to an Arab American man in California addressed to “Palestinian Bomber.”

65 Don’t be so hard on yourself. There’s the demise of mom-and-pop coffeehouses, the poverty and despair among Third World growers …

“Every time I reach a Starbucks, I feel like I’ve accomplished something, when actually I have accomplished nothing.”

– Winter (yes, just Winter), a Houston man who, since 1997, has been on a quest to buy a something-ccino at each of the world’s 6,000 corporately owned Starbucks.

66 No late fees. Honest. Sort of.

In January, Blockbuster kicks off a “no late fees” policy. The catch? If customers keep their movies more than a week past the due date, their credit cards are charged for the full purchase price; when they return the items, their refund comes minus a “restocking fee.” By March the company settles with 47 states for $630,000 and agrees to pay refunds to consumers who felt misled.

67 BUBBLE TROUBLE, PART 5

Can’t keep up with the Joneses? Heck, it’s bad enough just trying to keep up with the appreciation on their dilapidated Victorians.

In March the median price of a single-family detached home in the San Francisco Bay Area rises more than $1,000 per day. By month’s end, it swells to $106,000 above the previous year’s median–43 percent more than the area’s estimated average household income of about $74,000.

68 The pen is mightier than the sword.

Boeing CEO Harry Stonecipher, brought out of retirement to restore the company’s image in the wake of ethical lapses by predecessor Phil Condit–including allegations of affairs with female employees–is forced to resign for having an affair with a female employee. Though the relationship was consensual, Boeing’s board determined that Stonecipher had violated the company’s code of conduct–a document that all 160,000 Boeing employees have been required to sign annually since it was put into place by Stonecipher in 2003.

WINNER, DUMBEST MOMENT, ACCOUNTING

69 The irony is rich. Shareholders, alas, are not.

In June, H&R Block announces a review of its recent financial statements, estimating it will find discrepancies in its favor of about $19 million. Two months later it reveals that the review found $77 million in errors–in the other direction. The company explains that it had “insufficient resources” to identify and report complex transactions in its corporate tax accounting.

70 Good mourning.

“They should be a bit subdued, but still elegant.”

– Staffan Preutz, CEO of Swedish eyewear maker Polaris Optic, on his company’s launch of a new collection designed for women attending funerals.

71 Phantom menace.

In October the board of Infinium Labs reveals that chairman Timothy Roberts is under investigation by the SEC for allegedly sending junk faxes touting penny stocks–including shares of Infinium, maker of the little-known Phantom game console. The board also announces that financial reports prepared by Roberts, the company’s CEO before he resigned in August, should not be relied on. A month later the company’s new CEO, Kevin Bachus, also resigns. The board–which still includes Roberts–manages to tempt consultant Greg Koler into the CEO hot seat with the tantalizing prize of 4 million shares of Infinium stock, currently worth $68,000.

72 How you know your city has an image problem: A) It’s being mocked by Sacramento …

Prior to their home opener against the Pistons, as Detroit’s starting lineup is being introduced, the NBA’s Sacramento Kings flash images from the Motor City on the scoreboard: abandoned buildings, burned-out cars, piles of rubble, etc. Three days later, the Kings’ owners take out a full-page ad in the Detroit Free Press acknowledging “the incredibly positive impact the Motor City has made over the course of our country’s history.”

73 Oxymoron alert: Erotic City/Boise.

The proprietors of the Erotic City strip club in Boise, Idaho, attempt to circumvent a local law banning nudity except for performances of “serious artistic merit” by distributing sketch pads and pencils to customers for twice-weekly G-string-free “art” nights. Local police raid the club, issuing misdemeanor citations.

74 Neil French, meet Bernie Ecclestone.

“Women should be all dressed in white, like all other domestic appliances.”

– Formula One chief Bernie Ecclestone, on Danica Patrick’s fourth-place finish at the Indy 500, the best showing ever by a woman in the race.

75 And the slots? It’s just cherry-cherry-cherry all night long.

The Bluffs Run Casino in Council Bluffs, Iowa, fires Judith Roederer-Dillard for accidentally stocking a bill-changing machine with $100s instead of $20s. Happy gamblers play the machine for almost six hours, extracting about $46,000 in “winnings” before the casino shuts it down.

76 Our listeners–what a bunch of fools.

On April 1, radio station KBDS in Los Angeles pranks a contest winner who is expecting a new Hummer H2. Instead, Shannon Castillo receives a radio-controlled toy version of the H2. Castillo had hired a babysitter so she could go collect the prize, but when she sues the station, it’s not for the child-care expenses–it’s for the $60,000 value of an actual Hummer.

77 Our listeners–they’re even more gullible than KBDS’s!

On May 25, radio host D.J. Slick of WLTO in Lexington, Ky., runs an on-air contest to “win 100 grand.” Norreasha Gill, the lucky 10th caller, tells her three children that winning $100,000 means the family’s finally going to be able to afford a house with a backyard. The following day the station informs Gill that she actually won a Nestlé’s 100 Grand candy bar. The irate Gill, after turning down a $5,000 settlement from the station, sues for the full prize.

78 But they only look like roadkill. It’s the Velveeta Shells & Cheese that tastes like roadkill.

After complaints from animal-rights activists, Kraft Foods deletes an online animation for its Trolli Road Kill Gummi Candy that features animals amusingly caught in car headlights. The fruit-flavored Trolli candy, which comes in the shapes of squished snakes, squirrels, and chickens, is later discontinued.

WINNER, DUMBEST MOMENT, T & E

79 Let’s see, that’s 752 rum-and-Cokes, 363 orders of buffalo wings, 2,000 lap dances …

In October, American Express sues Savvis CEO Robert McCormick for $241,000 in charges he racked up on a visit to New York strip club Scores. Savvis places McCormick on unpaid leave after he admits to the visit but claims that he charged less than $20,000. He later resigns, accepting more than $600,000 in severance but forfeiting almost $3 million in preferred stock.

80 Or even more if Bob McCormick shows up looking to party.

“For every 2 inches up there, it’s another $50,000.”

– Sales consultant William Fried, speaking to eighth-graders on Career Day at a middle school in Palo Alto. Fried lists “stripper” and “exotic dancer” among potential occupations and reportedly tells students that the profession can garner them annual salaries of $250,000–a figure that can easily be augmented along with their bust size.

81 Here’s mud in your digital eye.

British startup Sprayonmud begins selling genuine “Shropshire mud” in spray bottles, presumably for giving your SUV that rugged off-road look. Many British drivers find a better use for it, however–obscuring license plates to avoid being snagged by the many U.K. traffic cameras.

82 Go d thi g we h te A pha-B ts, anyw y.

Attempting to reformulate Alpha-Bits into a healthier cereal made with 75 percent whole grains and no sugar, Kraft Foods runs into “letter integrity” issues: The whole-oat flour yields an edible alphabet that’s too chunky to read, while the elimination of the sugar coating causes the floating font to break apart more readily. Adding insult to injury, a dining reporter for the New York Times soon weighs in, saying the less-legible cereal “tastes like wet cardboard.”

83 The guy is falling! The guy is falling!

In November, parents and children attending a showing of Chicken Little at AMC’s Empire 25 in Manhattan instead get treated to Andrea, a Spanish film that opens with a young man hanging himself from a tree. Managers give audience members a refund or a coupon for a free movie.

84 And now, 15 words from our sponsors.

In July, Nascar holds an event at Colorado’s Pikes Peak International Raceway. Its official name: ITT Industries, Systems Division, & Goulds Pump Salute to the Troops 250 presented by Dodge.

85 Don’t worry. They’ll make it back when they sell their J-Com shares.

The posh Lanesborough Hotel in London drops a zero from an online listing of its room rates, prompting a flood of reservations at 35 pounds per night. The hotel’s damage-control effort initially consists of offering to rebook the rooms at full price; with the PR situation deteriorating, the Lanesborough strikes a compromise, agreeing to honor the cheap rate for a maximum of three nights.

86 CEO Wile E. Coyote declined comment.

In Connecticut, Acme Rent-a-Car installs GPS receivers in its vehicles to detect speeding customers, and then charges $150 to their credit cards for excessive wear and tear on vehicles. After an investigator pegs the actual wear-and-tear figure at about 37 cents per incident, the state Supreme Court orders Acme to cease and desist.

87 No interview, no cry.

On the heels of a popular documentary about the Queen rock anthem “Bohemian Rhapsody,” BBC television decides its next subject will be the Bob Marley classic “No Woman, No Cry.” An e-mail is duly dispatched to the Bob Marley Foundation, requesting an interview with the reggae star, since the documentary “would only work with some participation from Bob Marley himself.” The e-mail also says producers would like for Marley to spend “one or two days with us” at his convenience: “Our schedule is flexible.” Marley is less flexible. He died in 1981.

88 Lemon rinds are groovy, baby!

The BBC issues an on-air apology for a segment on Smart Spenders in which the host recommended rubbing lemon rinds on one’s teeth as an alternative to expensive whitening treatments. The British Dental Health Foundation had informed the network that lemons, in fact, are harmful to tooth enamel.

89 White noise? Awesome. When are we playing Phoenix?

Yamaha of America recalls 1,100 S90 ES musical synthesizers, which retail for $2,600 each. The instruments can cause hearing loss by emitting a loud “white noise” when turned off and then on again under high temperature conditions.

90 BUBBLE TROUBLE, PART 6

See? Our plan to turn it into a bastion of American-style capitalism is working just fine.

“Before, in Iraq, the houses were cheap. Now the houses are expensive, but the lives are cheap.”

– A real estate agent in Baghdad, to Knight Ridder reporter Matthew Schofield, about the red-hot market in the Iraqi capital, where prices have soared as much as 1,000 percent in the past three years. The increases are fueled by foreign investment, pent-up demand after Saddam Hussein’s strict property regulations, and even reinvested gains from looting.

91 If by “not giant” you actually mean “huge,” then, OK, we’ll buy it.

“The effect of Disney and Pixar guessing wrong on this was actually not giant.”

– Pixar CEO Steve Jobs, defending overly optimistic DVD sales forecasts. The animated-film studio sees second-quarter earnings drop 66 percent.

92 I’ll take care of the beer and chips if you bring the Ritalin.

In September, DirecTV starts offering a “SuperFan” package that allows viewers to watch eight NFL games simultaneously on a single screen. In completely unrelated news, a study by Medco Health Solutions finds that use of prescription drugs to treat attention deficit hyperactivity disorder is rising faster among adults than kids. Spending on ADHD medication has quadrupled in four years to $3.1 billion annually.

WINNER, DUMBEST MOMENT, MARKETING

93 No joke here. Just suffice it to say that the literal translation of the Spanish word cajeta is “little box.”

With the help of Latin pop sensation Thalia Sodi, Hershey introduces Cajeta Elegancita, a new candy bar for the Hispanic market. Though the wrapper features a picture of Sodi, apparently she neglects to fill her Yanqui partners in on a subtlety of Spanish: In Mexico, “cajeta” can be used to mean “nougat.” Elsewhere in the Spanish-speaking world, however, it’s slang for female anatomy.

94 Thus giving a whole new meaning to “crash-test dummies.”

After a live demonstration of the radar-powered automatic braking system in Mercedes-Benz’s new S-Class sedans turns into a nationally televised three-car pileup, the company claims that the steel walls of the safety center where the test took place interfered with the radar and confounded the system. An investigation by the Stern TV network, however, shows that the demonstration was staged (albeit poorly). Mercedes later admits it knew all along that the system would not work inside the safety center and had enlisted the vehicle’s driver to “simulate” the experience.

95 That really smarts.

In its January/February issue, Business 2.0 honors OfficeMax in its first annual Smart List. Two weeks after the issue hits newsstands, OfficeMax announces the resignation of CEO Christopher Milliken amid an accounting scandal and says it will be forced to restate its 2004 results.

96 Which also explains why they use Sportscreme instead of Bengay.

“I know there are issues with homophobia in the NFL, but it never occurred to me the thing would come to this.”

– Louisiana State University drama professor Leigh Clemons, after attempting to buy a jersey personalized with the last name of former student and New England Patriots defensive back Randall Gay from NFL.com. Upon entering Gay’s name in the requisite text box, the league’s website informs her that the field should not contain a “naughty word.”

WINNER, DUMBEST MOMENT, INVESTOR RELATIONS

97 We find your lack of faith disturbing.

Over the course of 2005, Overstock.com CEO Patrick Byrne issues increasingly shrill pronouncements about nefarious short-sellers driving the company’s stock into the ground. After listening to an Overstock conference call with investors in August, Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban posts to his blog a list of the topics Byrne covered: “Miscreants; an unnamed Sith Lord he hopes the feds will bury under a prison; gay bath houses; whether he is gay, does cocaine, both, or neither; phone taps; phone lines misdirected to Mexico; arrested reporters; payoffs; conspiracies; crooks; egomaniacs; fools; paranoia; which newspapers are shills and for who; money laundering; his Irish temper; false identities; threats; intimidation; and private investigators. All in 61 minutes.” Cuban then short-sells 10,000 shares of Overstock.

98 Call it a merger of equals.

A few weeks after eZiba.com sends out its winter catalog, the call center’s pin-drop silence begins to worry execs. As it turns out, a bug in a program designed to identify the best prospects on eZiba’s mailing list led to the catalog instead being sent to those deemed least likely to respond. “Sadly, our probability estimates were correct,” says eZiba founder Dick Sabot. On Jan. 14, eZiba suspends operations while seeking new investors to cover its cash shortfall. Overstock.com later buys the retailer’s assets for $500,000.

99 Hey, when did ethics become part of the B-school curriculum?

In March, Harvard Business School announces that it will reject 119 applicants who “hacked” into a website to learn their admission status. The hack in question involved modifying part of a Web address to take advantage of the site’s lack of security.

100 BUBBLE TROUBLE, PART 7

Bubble? What bubble? Oh … that bubble.

In May an Experian-Gallup national survey finds that 65 percent of Americans haven’t heard anything about a possible “housing bubble.” Another 12 percent have heard “only a little.” Indeed, 70 percent expect home prices to keep rising, while only 5 percent think they’ll slip. However, when the facets of a housing bubble are described to them, about 40 percent go on to say that the scenario is likely to occur in their area in the next three years.